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My married life lasted for 25 years and during all this time my husband beat me. I have five daughters and they suffered as much as I did, physically as well as psychologically. Before marriage, my whole idea about married life was just like in the movies, but still, I knew that my husband and I would undergo difficulties. However, I never imagined that the downs would be so deep.
My tragic life story began from the very beginning itself; when I was pregnant with my first two children who were twins. My husband did not want to have girls and when I was in labour I had to look for my own transport to go to the hospital. He did not come with me or visit me until the girls were born.
When he finally came to see them, he looked at the twins and there and then decided that the one who resembled him would be his favourite and that he would ignore the other one. While he showered one with love, the he rejected and denied any affection to the other twin. This was a torture for me. At that time, I was already being slapped and kicked.
His disgust for me increased when I became pregnant for the second time and it did not get better when he learned that the third child was another girl. It was the same for my fourth and last children, who were girls too. He took out his frustration of not having a son on me. Even worse, when I was 7 months’ pregnant with my fifth child he kicked me and beat me up severely.
One day, he went to the disco and left all of us at home. When he came back, I asked him where he went and why he did not let us accompany him. His reply was “if you want to, go away and take your five pieces of shit and go dance!”
Another day, he was looking for his sweater, which my elder daughter had put in the drawer while tidying up the house. When he did not find it in its habitual place he thought it was me who had mislaid it. He took me by the neck and tried to strangle me in front of my daughters. Fortunately, he stopped as my daughters were trying to pull him away from me.
He also had another flaw; that of having extra marital affairs. Whenever I found out about these, through either text messages or overheard conversations, I demanded explanations. His answer to all questions was physical violence. He would throw me hard on the ground and beat me up till I bled. Accompanying the thrashing, were the unbearable insults, which my daughters had to listen to.
I reported him to the police a number of times. But have they done something that could free my daughters and me from this real nightmare? No, they haven’t! One day, when I went to file a complaint against my husband, instead of writing what I was saying, the police officer wrote a false version of what had happened. This was depressing for me.
I did not know where to seek help from. If the authorities did not want to help me, who would? No one, I could rely solely upon myself and in my case, God. God is the one who gave me the necessary courage to deal with this traumatic life and He is still doing it. He is and will always be at the centre of my life.
We have now been living separately for 2 years, however under the same roof. The only difference is that we do not have an intimate relationship, if you could call what we used to have as intimate. Nevertheless, this did not prevent him from breaking the door one night and demanding sex from me. Since I refused, he tore my clothes, and raped me.
Since that, I obtained a protection order against him and I now feel more secure. Where I stand today, I must say that I do not regret having taken the decision of leaving my husband. Instead of suffocating in an abusive relationship, I can now depend on myself.
I may have suffered a lot in my life but I will never, I insist on the word never, regret having given birth to five girls. They are my pride and courage. I have strived so that these girls do not end up with a fate same as mine. I do not want them to give in as I did, to a man’s beastly manners. I want them to be independent, financially as well as emotionally.
The only reason for not leaving him was my daughters. What would have become of them if I abandoned them? Therefore, instead of fleeing, I confronted the heartless beast, raised my children, and gave them the best education I could.
* not her real name. This story is part of the “I” Stories series produced by the Gender Links Opinion and Commentary Service for the Sixteen Days of Activism on Gender Violence.
📝Read the emotional article by @nokwe_mnomiya, with a personal plea: 🇿🇦Breaking the cycle of violence!https://t.co/6kPcu2Whwm pic.twitter.com/d60tsBqJwx
— Gender Links (@GenderLinks) December 17, 2024
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