*Mahaali

Forgiveness

Lord, will I ever get these? I hid my rape for many years in a place where no one can get it.

My father was a very strict person. With him right was right and wrong was wrong. He was very quick with his fists. He used to regularly beat my mom and us his children. Money was not an issue. We only knew and had the best of everything. But my father was very loveless. I don’t have a picture of where he picked me up and put me on his lap. My father didn’t know how to give love.

One day my father told me that I had to go with a Capetonion man to go and work in Cape Town. We were not allowed to disagree with our father. I had just finished Standard Nine (9) – Grade Eleven (11). At that time me in my life I was still innocent, inexperience in the grown up life/ adult life, immature. I was also still a virgin.

On route to Cape Town the uncle started touching my legs already. I did not know what my father’s motive was. We arrived at our destination late the evening. In the house lived a young girl. Approximately my age. She consistently asked me if I did not want to take a bath with her. I just always said no. I was still dumb (naïve). I did not know that she was a lesbian.

One night she asked me if I did not want to go clubbing (dancing with her). I agreed. When we got to Elsies River she fetched two (2) male friends. The whole night we drove around with them. I kept on asking her when we are arriving at the club. Late that night we landed up in a black man’s shantie. At that stage I did not suspect anything funny. The black man was very upset. Then my friend Chrissie said that I should stay with those two men, they would come back soon. She and her boyfriend. I then told her; very disappointingly that she can’t do that to me.

Little did that I know that she sold me to her friend. She and her boyfriend sold me for a crate of beer, a bottle of whiskey and money. When she and her boyfriend left the friend’s attitude changed towards me. He told me to shut my mouth because my friend was not coming back anymore. I decided to keep my mouth. I played along. Victor, his real name, instructed me to get undressed. I was obedient. I was very big and tall. I had to dance for him. I thought of a plan to get away. Then I told him I had to pee (needed to use the toilet). I told him I would like to pee outside. I knew outside was a dog.

I made as if I peed and then I started to run. As far as I ran I was also shouting. Within seconds he caught up with me. He told me that if I do not shut my mouth he would stab me in the back. He grabbed me by the neck. He took me back to the shantie. The black man was waiting for us. The two of them dragged me into the shantie. He kept on raping me. He told me, ‘bitch, why you are so wet, dry yourself!’ It was the most painful pain. I did not even know that I was bleeding. He hurt me so much. I knew that God would come through for me.
Then he asked me if I did not want to marry him. I started rubbing his head. I said yes. I kept on rubbing his head until he fell asleep. I constantly kept looking at the window. Then I heard the rooster crow. Then I knew it was day break.

When he, Victor, woke up he was a different person. He gave me a clean washcloth and warm water. In that moment my friend made her appearance. Still acting like a concerned friend, she was so disappointed when she saw the bloodied sheets. She then asked what he (Victor) did to me. I was somewhat relieved and chose to keep quiet.

The next day I came home. My parents, sisters and brothers don’t about this.

The workshops taught me that no one should walk over me. I am a different person. I was afraid of people. Didn’t speak much. I came out of my shell. I turned to Jesus Christ. Victor died in church. I stood in the ‘gap’ for Victor. I forgave Victor in Jesus Name. There is no place for bitterness in our lives. Bitterness and hatred are deadly emotions. I want to be healthy. For every community, especially women, forgive your rapists. I am healthy through forgiveness. Remember to always stay calm in your situation. Jesus gives everyone a chance to get out there, even if it is only one minute.

The workshops made me a stronger person. I am more positive, self-confident. I am capable of looking after myself. I want to say: IT IS NOT TOO LATE. FORGIVENESS is a very deep thing. It is so very personal. It makes you whole, deep inside of you. It’s who I am. Jesus forgives you despite your name.

To fathers out there, don’t make the same mistakes as my father did. Don’t let your love for money be your downfall. 2030 if God did not come yet, I see myself in my own cupcake and coffee shop or my own bakery.