Botswana: He spent my lobola money on his older brother and then left me

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*Trigger warning: Violence*

I was 27 years old when I got married to a 30 year old man. When we met, I already had a three year old daughter from a previous relationship. We married in 1995 and my husband promised that he would treat his step-daughter as his own child. I was also pregnant at the time that we got married and I later gave birth to triplets, three boys.

We did not have problems initially, but as time went on I realised that he was constantly controlled by his older siblings. His parents had already died when we got married. When we wanted to do something in our own home, he would always tell his older siblings who would then refuse to let him do it. At one time we wanted to buy a car, but his older sister told him that he should not buy a car before he had developed their late parents’ home, which was in the name of his brother, the first born son. I did not understand why my husband should be responsible for developing his brother’s home. We also had a house and planned to develop it when we had time and money.

My husband never paid lobola at the time that we married, so he told me that he was going to get a loan to pay the lobola. He wanted me to sign for the loan and I agreed. However, when he got the money, he told me he was going to use it to help his older brother to get married instead. He ended up developing his brother’s home and he helped to pay lobola for his brother, who was 60 and marrying again after leaving his wife and their nine children.

Later, my husband told me that he had two children from a previous relationship and he wanted them to live with us in Jwaneng. We fought, and I threatened to leave with our kids to stay in Kanye. Then he befriended a woman from our church and began an affair with her. He would visit the woman every weekend and leave me with our kids here in Jwaneng. He later moved out of our home to stay with the woman. After about 18 months, he filed for a divorce.

I was terrified when he filed for divorce because I was not working and I wondered how I was going to provide for my children. I once suggested that they should go and stay with their father, but they told me they would not stay with a woman who was not their mother.

Our divorce was finalised on 23 April this year. I was given two houses and kept the kids with me, and we both received a fair share of the house furniture. However, he then began to advertise my two houses in Jwaneng in order to sell them. I heard about this from people who wanted to buy the houses.

He sometimes calls my children to come and visit him, and when they arrive he asks them what it is like living with me. At the church I attend, he does not speak nicely about me to my church mates. The church is now an unhappy place for me.

I ended up having a stroke as a result of excessive stress and I am blind in my right eye. I am currently taking medication to prevent a second stroke. I am now weak and I may lose my job because I am blind, while he has moved on with his life and he is healthy. He has a new lease on life, while I am left to suffer.

*Not her real name

This story is part of the “I” Stories series produced by the Gender Links News Service encouraging the view that speaking out can set you free.