Zambia: raped at 13

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*Trigger warning: Violence*

I was 13 when I was raped and I get really upset when I think of that moment, I keep thinking about it and I feel terrible. Should I blame my father for what happened? If my father had allowed me into the house that night I would not have been raped.

I was 13 years old when I was raped. It happened because I reported home late and my father would not allow me into the house. I used to play soccer and usually we would travel to other towns to compete against different football clubs. When I arrived home, I phoned my sister to open the door for me but she said father was annoyed with me and had warned everyone not to open the door. I did not believe my sister and I tried my luck, I knocked on the door several times no one opened and then I heard my father’s voice saying ‘go back to where you came from’. When my father spoke, nobody in the house could make him change his mind not even my mother.

I did not know what to do. It was 11 pm already and I was afraid to walk in the dark again. Spending a night outside was scary, so I decided to go to my sister’s place. It was far from my home but I had to go there. I used a busy route but that night it was very quiet and the only sound I heard was the sound of the dogs barking. When I looked behind me, I saw a car driving in my direction. I told myself “Jesus I am safeÀ. For a moment I had a strange feeling. I changed my step and started moving faster and he also drove faster. I started running; he followed me and started chasing me. I tried to scream for help, but nobody heard me. This was happening towards midnight.

He grabbed me, put his hand on my mouth and dragged me to a nearby bush; he raped me four times. It was so painful, I cried but he still did not stop. He was so heavy when he was on top of me. He left me lying helpless in tall grass. I struggled to get up because I was in pain. I reached my sister’s house in the early morning. She noticed that my step was strange and next thing she saw the bloodstains on my dress. I narrated the whole story to her and told her to keep it a secret, not even my mother should know about it.

I went back home and every time father called my name my facial expression was of one with a guilty mind. He began to notice, but he just accused me of being rude to him. When I did that he reminded of the night I came home late; he said soccer made me behave like a boy.

I failed to concentrate in class. I was constantly thinking of that night. Luckily, I never forgot his face, although he tried to hide it when he I was raping me. A few months later my teacher noticed that I was sad and she talked to me but I did not reveal anything. If I had, my father would have got to know about it.

On weekends we had general cleaning at home. I stopped being active I would sleep until 10 am. My siblings gossiped that I was lazy. Mother confronted me one day; she said I looked pregnant. She asked when I had last had my monthly periods. I said I never missed one, but she was not convinced. She told me to get ready to go to the clinic for a pregnancy test. We were attended by a nurse, she told mother to excuse us and when we were alone in the office she asked me many questions and all I did was say “noÀ or “I do not knowÀ to every question. She said I must urinate in a small bottle and told me to join my mother in the waiting room and wait for the results. After five minutes she called us back. She said I was pregnant. Mother was in great shock and said: “your father will kill youÀ. I cried so loudly that I attracted everyone’s attention. Questions were asked again until I narrated what happened the night my father chased me away from home. The nurse was so sweet; she counselled me and told my mother to protect me from any form of discrimination.

We walked all the way home and mother never spoke a word to me, not because she was annoyed but because she was sorry for me. As we approached home she said I should not tell any of my sisters until she broke the news herself. I walked straight to the bedroom with tears rolling down my cheeks. I covered myself with a blanket to avoid being noticed my siblings.

In the evening mother told father that I was pregnant. I was called to explain what had happened. As I was narrating the story, father listened carefully. He said: “do you mean you were raped the night I chased you?À He hit the table in anger and asked who did it to me. I mentioned his name and he asked again if I was sure he was the one. I remembered his face very well. In the morning, my uncles and other family members gathered at our house. We then went to the man’s house and found his wife cleaning the yard. She called him. Uncle said why we were there, without wasting much of our time he said he was responsible for the pregnancy. He was taken to court and the court ordered him to pay a certain amount of money for making me pregnant and that was the end.

I am now 22 years old and I live with my parents. My daughter is looked after by them. I am in grade 12, although I am not a full time pupil, I just attend extra lessons. What hurts me the most was why the man was not charged with defilement. He raped me when I was 13 and he was in his late 40s. How I wish today was yesterday; I say so because cases of defilement and rape are considered to be very serious offences.

*Not her real name

This story is part of the “I” Stories series produced by the Gender Links News Service encouraging the view that speaking out can set you free.