SHARE:
“You remember how reluctant I was when you first called me to ask whether I could share my abusive marriage experience with other people by writing a story that would be published?”, asked Mukamwiinga*.
It was one year after her personal story had first been published and I had called to find out how she had been coping since she revealed her personal life to others.
When I had first phoned Mukamwiinga in 2009 to ask her to write an “I” story she sounded as though her final answer was a big “no!” However, I managed to convince her despite her excuses, which included the plea that she was unable to write. I offered to co-author the article and she reluctantly agreed.
Today, Mukamwiinga is 100% sure that sharing the experience of her abusive marriage has helped her heal. It helped relieve her of the pain and anger she had harboured for many years toward herself, her husband and others in her life.
“Before I shared my experience, I used to exert hatred within myself. I hated my former husband for making me pass through such an abusive marriage and I also hated my uncles who had allowed him to pay lobola and marry me. Sometimes, I even hated my children because I thought it was because of them that I endured such a marriage of beatings and low integrity,” she said.
She said she is happy she is now able to help other women in her village who are going through experiences such as hers and the experience has allowed her to become a village counsellor.
“I have situations where some women have left their marriages after listening to my experience. I am not happy that they have gone through that painful process but I am happy that they have found their long lost freedom,” Mukamwiinga explained.
She said sharing her traumatising experience opened many doors including those of openness and courage, allowing her to help others and ensuring her own internal scars can heal.
Kwiima* is another Zambian woman who shared her healing experience. When she was contacted to share the story of her polygamous marriage, she was scared that if her husband came across it he would beat her. Yet she also thought sharing the story might help her husband change, especially because she didn’t use real names in it.
“I felt very good after I saw the story published. Since I cannot read, I asked my aunt to read the story for me and the first question I asked was whether my real name was mentioned in the story. When she said no, I was happier because I knew that I would present it to my husband and other people, especially younger women, to read,” said Kwiima. “I gave the same article to a woman my husband did not know in the neighbourhood and asked her to bring it to our house. When she came, she deliberately encouraged me, in the presence of my husband, to read it for myself and hear what other women go through in their polygamous marriages.”
Since Kwiima’s husband knew she could not read, he offered to read it on her behalf but he was only able to read the first two paragraphs and then he continued silently reading the article.
“I just heard a deep breath then I knew I had done my duty. The man kept quiet for some time and finally managed to say that it was not easy for both women and men to be in polygamous marriages but the key thing was for them to live in harmony. He encouraged me to be strong because I was not the only one going through hard times in a polygamous marriage, as he had read in the article. My husband promised to change and there is some change in his behaviour although it takes time for someone to completely change but there is some positive change in the way he treats me, the children and the first wife,” she said.
Healing from an abusive experience can take different forms and one of the most successful involves the sharing of one’s experience with other people. Thandiwe Makukisi Sikazwe, a volunteer counsellor at Young Women Christian Association (YWCA), said sharing an abusive experience, especially one of gender-based violence (GBV), helped many women regain their self esteem and peace of mind.
“As a counsellor, I have seen how women that have reported or shared their experiences heal faster than those that keep such experiences to themselves,” she said.
As we engage in the 16 Days of Activism she encouraged women to open up and share their experiences so they can heal and so others can learn from them. “A problem shared is a problem half solved,” she said.
*Not their real names.
Perpetual Sichikwenkwe is a writer from Zambia. This article is part of a special series on the 16 Days of Activism for the Gender Links Opinion and Commentary Service that offers fresh views on everyday news. For the research quoted in this article and more information on the 16 Days Campaign go to www.genderlinks.org.za.
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