Changing family violence

When my mum passed away when I was still at school, I was devastated. This had an adverse effect on the rest of my teenage years. I felt betrayed by mum when I most needed her. Thereafter my dad became overprotective and a control freak. He put emphasis on how I should carry out my duties if I was going to be a perspective future bride. He did not allow me to talk to boys, as they will hurt me. For me it was like “if they did not touch me how would I be hurt?”. This affected me and I became rebellious and had no faith in men.

 

After I had completed my studies, I worked at a recoding company as receptionist. This place was male dominated from the clerk to the salesman. When things did not go right and everyone was having a bad day, it was Debbie’s fault again. They took advantage of me as a young naïve girl who was at her first job, the abuse became intolerable, and I resigned.

 

A few years later I met a young man and I fell in I love. The first week into our relationship I had to introduce him to father for his approval. I had come under a lot of criticism in terms of still being very young. Whenever I was out of line for some reason my father would verbally abuse me saying, “I was in a hurry to get a husband.” I used to cry myself to sleep and pray to get away from my dominating father.

 

Two years later I married and thought my dream had come true. Only to find my in-laws

were in their own domestic violence conflict. My mother-in-law, who was a very beautiful women, was in an extra-marital affair. At night, my father-in-law physically and verbally abused her. In the next room, I would hear the screams for help. As the detail of the affair was exposed, my mother-in-law felt very embarrassed, as I was her new daughter-in-law. One night he dragged her out of the room and threw her into the yard and, as a result, suffered neck injuries.

 

My husband and I took her for medical attention where she was treated and discharged. The sad thing about this all was that she had to return to this abusive environment all over. I became very supportive and learned very early in my marriage about gender based violence. My mother-in-law and I became best friends and supported her through the divorce. I learned that my father in-law was a man who could not apologise or make amends. This was something that he passed on to my husband.

 

A few years down the line, I had three sons and found I was pregnant with my fourth child. My husband had lost his job and things became difficult. I had a family to support and a maid that I had to pay salary for. To survive I cleaned sheep heads and trotters in a nearby clothing factory, using this for the maid’s salary and other bare essentials. I felt I should not be crying poverty but to overcome it. My husband never assisted but socialised with friends and returned home drunk. When I confronted him he would verbally abuse me and blamed me for trying to have a daughter. The next day he would blank out what happened and not apologise. He did not believe a man should say sorry. A good outcome of all this was that I was blessed with a daughter.

 

Ten years ago I joined a domestic violence network where I empower women to educate themselves about domestic violence. Women should overcome poverty, move away from the domestic violence environment, and know their rights. I am currently a mediator with a local organisation helping women. Today I am a proud mother of four successful children. I am an excellent wife, mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother, and still married for years.

 

* not her real name