Healing on the outside, but still scarred within

Date: January 1, 1970

My name is Harriet Nhlapo, born on 23 March 1959 in Phiri, Soweto. In 1978, when I was 19, I met this handsome guy, and fell head-over-heels in love with him. A year later, I was fortunate to find a job, and worked at OK Bazaars as a cashier.

We married in 1982 and were blessed with a gorgeous baby boy whom I named Sibusiso meaning – a blessing. We lived happily for a period of five years.

Then, very suddenly, my husband’s behaviour changed. He started drinking, going out with his so-called “friends” and coming home late. He started accusing me of coming home later than the usual time.

Even when I tried to explain the delays, caused by trains running late, he suspected that I was having an affair. He would beat me up using any object he can come across. This continued for almost three years and it happened even in front of his parents. Any intervention from his mother was in vein, as he would beat her as well.

I tried on four occasions to report the matter to the police and could not get any help. The house we were living in with his family was a shebeen, so they had “connections” with the same police. The police officers used to tell us to go back home and sort out our differences.

In one instance, in dismay, the police picked me up at my workplace, to the embarrassment of my colleagues, on allegations of having sent to steal from the house. I moved from being a victim to a perpetrator.

The beatings went on and on, to an extent where I was stabbed with a knife several times on my body and face. I stayed with the hope that things would eventually change. The worst incident was when he beat me with a “Panga,” which left me with a terrible scar on my head.

I used to lie to my family and friends (because I was not the same person I used to be), who would see me with bruises. I claimed to have bumped into the door.

One day in August 1989, it went on almost the whole night! Our neighbours called the police, but they never responded. An ambulance picked me up. I suffered severe injuries on my ribs and my left arm. I was hospitalised for three months in Lenasia Hospital.

He purposely avoided taking me to Baragwanath Hospital where it could have been more convenient for me to open a case against him while I was hospitalised. When the hospital discharged me, I had to attend physiotherapy twice a week because my injured hand could not function properly. This still affects me even today. While I was in the hospital, he burnt all my clothes!

In the midst of events, I still opened a case of assault against him and nothing happened. The police never did anything about it. Finally, I decided that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH – I moved out of that marriage and eventually divorced him.

Whilst all of this occurred, in my mind, I had this vision that if only my mother was alive, I would not have suffered this long. My mother became ill and passed away when I was just fourteen years old. From then onwards, my father alone raised me.

When I was doing grade 11, I had to leave school because my father was suddenly unemployed & could not be able to pay for my school fees anymore. When I left my husband and moved back to my father’s house, I went back to work. I also decided to enrich myself intellectually by finally completing Grade 12.

I am happy that I got out of the relationship, but I still carry the scars with me today. Healing the scars on the outside is much easier than those on the inside. It is difficult to trust again.

Finally, I have come to realise that, a person should not stay in an abusive relationship; instead, one should speak-up and seek help. This influenced me to have a feeling to help others.

Initially I wanted to become a social worker but could not afford the fees. I spoke to a friend who told me about NISSA, which is an institution dealing with issues of women abuse.

I decided to do this course to help other women not to be trapped in the same situation. Women must know that there is help out there for them.

This story is part of the I Stories series produced by the Gender Links Opinion and Commentary Service for the Sixteen Days of Activism on Gender Violence

Healing on the outside, but still scarred within

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