How I overcame the violence in me

I was born in 1967 and lived in Harare’s high-density suburb of Highfield with my parents.  I grew up with the belief that to be a man you have to use power and force in everything that you do. As I grew up I developed an interest in music and night clubbing. I became a womaniser, an abuser. I also relied heavily on marijuana. Effectively I just became a lost soul.

 

In 1984 I started working for a popular local band. We used to travel to Zambia, London, South Africa, and Mozambique among other countries.

 

Back home in Harare the band played at most popular nightclubs. I worked as the door attendant during shows. I was very popular with the girls because I was their ticket into the performances. Some women would do anything to get in so I let them come in exchange for sexual favours. There were always so many women who wanted to see their favourite band playing so some nights I had sex with five or more women.

 

All this happened while I was still married to my first wife Nozipo (not her real name).I usually spent nights away from home, leaving her alone with our little child. I never gave her room to ask where I was or to complain about anything. I felt I was being a real man.

 

Being a man meant that my word was final and women or other men who spoke their mind annoyed me. I used to beat her up just to make her realise who was the boss or the man of the house.

 

Neighbours watched helplessly as I beat her with my fists. Just to make sure she got the message I would batter her with a broken chair. Once she collapsed I would then walk away boasting about my machismo and manhood.

 

It was not the first or last time I was to humiliate her publicly. She was also not the first or last woman to suffer the blow of my fists and the sting of my insults. All the band members knew about this.

 

To have one wife to me was not man enough because of my ill-placed ego. I started comparing her with those commercial sex workers I used to hang out with and I felt she was not worthy to be my wife. I stopped buying her food or clothes and whatever she wanted she needed she had to ask for from me and I would buy for her if I felt like it. I abused her economically and psychologically. I started calling her names until one day she scalded me with boiling water and I had to be hospitalised for five months. We divorced and I got married again.

 

 

In 1994, I got sick until the band manager took me to a doctor and it was discovered that I had TB. I was diagnosed HIV positive. My health deteriorated from 70kgs to 24kgs and my second wife left me. At this time, my family took me to Mashambanzou centre for the terminally ill where I was given medication, care and support. From 1994 to 1995 December I was wheel chair bound. I thought a lot of committing suicide but later realised that it would only deprive my children of a father.

 

At Mashambanzou other people who were also living with HIV/AIDS visited me. Five special such individuals visited me regularly. They belonged to a support group.

 

Eventually I responded well to treatment. My immune system was boosted and my weight improved from 24kgs to 40 kgs. By the time I went back home I was almost fully recovered. I then joined a network of people living with HIV/AIDS called ZNNP+, which began in 1994 with a few members. My behaviour and attitude changed and I accepted my status and committed myself to living positively and plan for the future.

 

In 2000, I met the Director of Padare/Enkundleni/Mens Forum on Gender at a workshop which was arranged by ZNNP+ in Harare and one of the sessions facilitated by the Director was on Male Involvement in Fighting HIV and AIDS.

 

I was impressed by the idea of Padare and especially of male involvement in gender and violence. When I got back home I called for a meeting with willing men to start our own Chapter of  Padare. The network of men started and I discovered that more men were ashamed of disclosing their status. I became a gender, and HIV/AIDS activist.

 

As a chapter we chose a theme on Men, Sex, HIV and AIDS. Padare changed my life in many ways because I managed to deconstruct male power in sex, challenge the notions of patriarchy and masculinity that suppress women and children in meeting their strategic gender needs. At the moment I am a trained male voluntary caregiver and other men have been trained in Home Based Care, Nutrition. Our group has increased from 30 trained male caregivers to 45.

 

I am now a reformed man and my life has changed in many ways. I am now happily married and am living positively with HIV at the same time. I no longer beat up my wife and children. I have now thrown myself into a world that tries to create a safe home and society for its family. I have three children with my previous wives.

 

I still regret my actions, and no longer openly find pleasure in instilling fear and creating a myth of invincibility. I love living peacefully.

 

So much has been said about anger being one of the sources of abuse, and gender socialisation has been blamed for the derogatory manner in which men treat women.

 

I still believe the lack of positive role models lies at the centre of this problem and the road to change has not been an easy one for me. When I was growing up my mother would freak out if she saw me playing with a doll. I was expected to beat  girls and not the other way round. Playing rough and proving your strength to both girls and boys was essential for survival.

 

I knew I was a man from the time I was a boy. My manhood was often referred to – to make a point that I was above women and more superior.

 

Today I stand before the same community, before the men who knew me as a band member as a new man. I am now an active member of Padare Men’s Forum on Gender and I have been the Chairperson of Padare in my suburb since 2000.Currently Padare has a campaign to work with men to combat gender violence, the spread and impact of HIV/AIDS. Everyday we are witnessing a positive change in men who were abusive or violent.

 

I was born in 1967 and lived in Harare’s high-density suburb of Highfield with my parents.  I grew up with the belief that to be a man you have to use power and force in everything that you do. As I grew up I developed an interest in music and night clubbing. I became a womaniser, an abuser. I also relied heavily on marijuana. Effectively I just became a lost soul.

 

In 1984 I started working for a popular local band. We used to travel to Zambia, London, South Africa, and Mozambique among other countries.

 

Back home in Harare the band played at most popular nightclubs. I worked as the door attendant during shows. I was very popular with the girls because I was their ticket into the performances. Some women would do anything to get in so I let them come in exchange for sexual favours. There were always so many women who wanted to see their favourite band playing so some nights I had sex with five or more women.

 

All this happened while I was still married to my first wife Nozipo (not her real name).I usually spent nights away from home, leaving her alone with our little child. I never gave her room to ask where I was or to complain about anything. I felt I was being a real man.

 

Being a man meant that my word was final and women or other men who spoke their mind annoyed me. I used to beat her up just to make her realise who was the boss or the man of the house.

 

Neighbours watched helplessly as I beat her with my fists. Just to make sure she got the message I would batter her with a broken chair. Once she collapsed I would then walk away boasting about my machismo and manhood.

 

It was not the first or last time I was to humiliate her publicly. She was also not the first or last woman to suffer the blow of my fists and the sting of my insults. All the band members knew about this.

 

To have one wife to me was not man enough because of my ill-placed ego. I started comparing her with those commercial sex workers I used to hang out with and I felt she was not worthy to be my wife. I stopped buying her food or clothes and whatever she wanted she needed she had to ask for from me and I would buy for her if I felt like it. I abused her economically and psychologically. I started calling her names until one day she scalded me with boiling water and I had to be hospitalised for five months. We divorced and I got married again.

 

 

In 1994, I got sick until the band manager took me to a doctor and it was discovered that I had TB. I was diagnosed HIV positive. My health deteriorated from 70kgs to 24kgs and my second wife left me. At this time, my family took me to Mashambanzou centre for the terminally ill where I was given medication, care and support. From 1994 to 1995 December I was wheel chair bound. I thought a lot of committing suicide but later realised that it would only deprive my children of a father.

 

At Mashambanzou other people who were also living with HIV/AIDS visited me. Five special such individuals visited me regularly. They belonged to a support group.

 

Eventually I responded well to treatment. My immune system was boosted and my weight improved from 24kgs to 40 kgs. By the time I went back home I was almost fully recovered. I then joined a network of people living with HIV/AIDS called ZNNP+, which began in 1994 with a few members. My behaviour and attitude changed and I accepted my status and committed myself to living positively and plan for the future.

 

In 2000, I met the Director of Padare/Enkundleni/Mens Forum on Gender at a workshop which was arranged by ZNNP+ in Harare and one of the sessions facilitated by the Director was on Male Involvement in Fighting HIV and AIDS.

 

I was impressed by the idea of Padare and especially of male involvement in gender and violence. When I got back home I called for a meeting with willing men to start our own Chapter of  Padare. The network of men started and I discovered that more men were ashamed of disclosing their status. I became a gender, and HIV/AIDS activist.

 

As a chapter we chose a theme on Men, Sex, HIV and AIDS. Padare changed my life in many ways because I managed to deconstruct male power in sex, challenge the notions of patriarchy and masculinity that suppress women and children in meeting their strategic gender needs. At the moment I am a trained male voluntary caregiver and other men have been trained in Home Based Care, Nutrition. Our group has increased from 30 trained male caregivers to 45.

 

I am now a reformed man and my life has changed in many ways. I am now happily married and am living positively with HIV at the same time. I no longer beat up my wife and children. I have now thrown myself into a world that tries to create a safe home and society for its family. I have three children with my previous wives.

 

I still regret my actions, and no longer openly find pleasure in instilling fear and creating a myth of invincibility. I love living peacefully.

 

So much has been said about anger being one of the sources of abuse, and gender socialisation has been blamed for the derogatory manner in which men treat women.

 

I still believe the lack of positive role models lies at the centre of this problem and the road to change has not been an easy one for me. When I was growing up my mother would freak out if she saw me playing with a doll. I was expected to beat  girls and not the other way round. Playing rough and proving your strength to both girls and boys was essential for survival.

 

I knew I was a man from the time I was a boy. My manhood was often referred to – to make a point that I was above women and more superior.

 

Today I stand before the same community, before the men who knew me as a band member as a new man. I am now an active member of Padare Men’s Forum on Gender and I have been the Chairperson of Padare in my suburb since 2000.Currently Padare has a campaign to work with men to combat gender violence, the spread and impact of HIV/AIDS. Everyday we are witnessing a positive change in men who were abusive or violent.