I have found my voice

I began to struggle to raise my child and got assistance from my parents. In September 1997 he wanted to come back to me and I refused. He tried to enlist my mother to convince me to forgive him. His argued that I should take him back since he had paid lobola and was the father of my child. He also used our child is mentally retarded to blackmail me. I eventually forgave him. Things went back to normal and were happy for almost a year.

 

I was convinced that he had changed. In 1998 he bought me a ring telling me that he loved me and he wanted to wed. In 1999 I fell pregnant with our second child. When I told him he said that he wanted me to move in with him and asked my mother to release me to go and live with him.

 

We started living together with his brother at his place. After a while his brother started ill-treating me. I tried to explain to my husband about the situation so he could sit us down resolve our misunderstandings amicably. My husband refused to cooperate saying that he was going to talk to his brother alone. After about four months his brother moved out.

 

My husband pretended to be fine with the situation and kept everything to himself. Close to the delivery date I went to stay at my mother’s place so that she would assist me with taking care of the baby for a month. When I delivered the baby he did not buy clothes or anything for the newborn as he claimed that he had no money. He eventually bought a few items. 

 

But even worse he sent his aunt to tell my mother to keep me at her place because he did not want me back.  He even stopped visiting his children. After four months he phoned me out of the blue asking me to pack my bags and come back home. Because I still loved the father of my children and wanted them to be raised by both of us, I fell for it.

 

Later that year we were offered a house by my sister and moved there. Everything seemed to be going well. In 2001 we went to wed at the magistrate court. After that he started cheating on me again with another woman but I chose to ignore this. I was accused of going to my mother’s place too often and that she was influencing me. My brothers and sisters were not allowed to visit me at my place.

 

My husband became a stranger in our own home.  Each time he lied that he was going to work meetings for weeks on end.  There was a pattern to it.  He went away every Wednesday and came back on Sunday. When I asked him about the meetings he would accuse me of taking him out of his parent’s house, to live at my sister’s house so that I could control him.

 

I remember one day after his pay day he beat with his belt and left the house soon after. I cried in front of my children. I could not cook for them because there was no electricity. When he went out of the house I thought he was going to pay for electricity but he did not. Instead all the money had been spent on a girlfriend. On the 7^th of July 2002 my husband told me he had an affair with a lady from Mafikeng and asked me for a divorce so that he could marry the woman he loves.

 

He asked me, “Are you going to allow me to divorce you and make you my second wife because I think you won’t live under the same roof with this woman”. It was obvious because the lady had her own house. When he asked me if I was willingly to share him with another woman I felt like I was having a nightmare that would soon pass.

 

He stopped caring for the family. When I asked him to buy clothes for the kids he argued that he was the one working so he needed to look good unlike the kids who stay at home.  He always said he did not have money. But when he went for these ‘meetings’ he always bought gifts for his girlfriend and put them on top of the wardrobe.

 

I remember one day I went to the doctor with our son and instead of empathising he accused me of not telling him that I was going to the hospital. I responded and I said to him, “Can we talk about your behaviour because you told me not to do washing for you, you no longer eat my food, no longer giving me money since I am your wife I have the right to know”. He said to me, “I don’t want to talk to you” I insisted and he said, “Phuman Kimi” and I insisted that he talked to me, that is when he started beating me up.

 

The next day he went to work leaving me with bruises on my face. He would not even admit it to his brothers his brothers and told them that I had started the fight. Three days later he demanded our marriage certificate so that he could file for a divorce.

 

This pattern of abuse continued.  He insulted me calling me names including accusing me of stealing his payslips. I could not stand it anymore and agreed to the divorce. In March 2003 the summons were delivered to me, on 25^th of September we went to court and divorced. We were supposed to share the furniture but he took everything I had selected because he had bought everything since I was not working. He only left old things for me. I filed for maintenance. I have since started receiving the maintenance money for our children but I had to fight for it. It was a difficult process.

 

I heard about NISAA Institute for Women Development and attended sessions there. I received training for basic counselling and I did the advanced skills. My life has since changed and a happy woman because I am able to go to the shops and buy groceries for my children. Unlike when I lived with my husband and had to rely on him for everything and never gave me a cent.

 

* not her real name