It does not pay to be an abuser

In life there are those who are abused and those who are abusive. Abuse manifests itself in different ways from beating your young children for no reason to ill-treatment of your partner. I am a reformed perpetrator of gender-based violence and other forms of violence and can now tell you from experience that as an abuser one does not realise that they are doing wrong and may think that they are doing the right thing by punishing someone, including verbally or physically.

I remember when I used to date someone a long time ago, our relationship began on a happy note but along the way things changed. I loved her but I used to fight with her all the time. I used to beat and insult her including her parents, family and friends. As a result she left me and now does not allow me to see the baby we had together. She does not trust me anymore and feels that I am not man enough.

It is really sad because this child will grow up without a father. I am afraid that this is going to affect the child in the long run. Every child needs to grow up with their biological parents or someone who loves them unconditionally. The mother gets emotional when asked about the father of the child because she is still traumatised mentally and emotionally by what I did to her.

I used to beat her up while our child watched. Now that I reflect on it I regret it because many times children who witness violence repeat it when they grow up. They adopt the thinking that the only way to solve issues is to beat or insult one another. You unknowingly create a monster.

I have experienced this through my nephew. As he grew up he was told that the man who was staying with his mother was not his father. His father had died some years prior, before his mother met his stepdad. This was said, not knowing that it could affect the young boy’s life. He eventually spent his youth life in prison because he began disrespecting his stepdad and stealing from him. This problem even manifested itself at school and he was expelled.

After he was expelled from school, he ganged up with other young boys who were not going to school. They started to rob school kids, despite knowledge of the law and the consequences arising from breaking it. Today as I write this, he is in prison.

Unfortunately, my nephew was also physically abused by an elderly person who lived in their community. I am trying to encourage all adults with child responsibilities not to abuse children in any way, because that will kill the future of our country and destroy the moral fabric of our societies.

It is as bad when you abuse a woman. I once fell in love with another lady who was working as a domestic worker. I worked next to where she stayed. However, this did not last, though I loved her so much. We enjoyed each other’s company, until I became abusive. I was so jealous that I did not want to see her with any other man, except me. I would beat her up for that and other petty things such as if she didn’t pick up her phone. When she asked that we break up, I refused and beat her up for suggesting it. It was getting out of hand.

I became abusive to her friends as well. I suppose her friends wanted the best for her and raised their concern regarding the abuse. They knew that I was beating her up, so they decided to join forces and started insulting me. A huge fight resulted. I went after her friends, beating them up. To me I was doing this out of love, without realising that I was abusing her and her freedom. I felt her friends were the reason why we were fighting all the time. I was lucky because they never took the matter to the police.

What I am trying to say is stop all abuse. It will end up affecting you as a perpetrator in many ways. I am not proud of being an abuser and I regret all that I have done

My message to all is that abusing a woman does not make you a real man. Instead you are a man who cannot stand his ground without using force because you are insecure and always feel intimidated. I have changed for the better and hope that my last girlfriend and her friends will forgive me. I was out of my mind, thinking the only way to make sense to be loved and viewed as a man by a woman was to beat her. I see that it did not solve anything, but it created enemies for me. Now I am hurt. I feel I am being neglected and treated as a social outcast because of all the wrong things I have done to people and the hurt I have caused.

This “I” Story is part of a special series on the 16 Days of Activism for the Gender Links Opinion and Commentary Service that offers fresh views on everyday news. For more information on the 16 Days Campaign go to www.genderlinks.org.za