Lesotho: Mentally sick because of my marriage

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My name is *Thumi, I was born in 1965 and I now live in Matebeleng in the district of Mohale’s Hoek. I had 10 children, but two died and now I only have 8 left, my last born is a boy and he was born on the 3^rd November 2008 and my husband said that the baby was not his. Since the baby was born I have lived a very difficult life because my husband beat me and did painful things to me, saying he did not like the baby because it was not his and this really affected our relationship and our children also took a lot of strain.

He did all this in front of our children. It did not sit well with me because I asked myself what they were thinking about me when their father said that I was a slut, cheating on him and having a baby that was not his. I thought that they might not like their sibling because apparently their father said the baby was not his. My life was really very difficult, but I thought maybe one day he would come to his senses and welcome his blood because I did not understand why he was saying that the baby was not his.

He was very strange and he was totally different and I would sometimes think that he would kill me or do something terrible to our baby, because he did not like the baby at all. I was not free in my own home and I did not want to leave the baby with him, but at the same time I wanted him to get closer to the baby as I thought that he might change his behaviour and welcome the baby. He was very innocent, he did not deserve it, he was a child and he deserved to be taken care of and loved by his both parents, but his father did want to hear anything about him.

I had always suspected that he was capable of doing something bad to the baby, but I never thought he would do anything to me. One night he went on and on talking about the baby and holding my neck very tight, I could not breathe and he put my finger on the light and told me to tell him the truth that the baby was not his. He held my finger the entire night and told me that he would not stop until I told him the truth. My finger was burning, it was really painful, all my kids were locked in the other room and I was alone with him. I was crying like a child, my finger was so painful and burning. He held my finger over the fire very tightly insisting that if I did not tell him the truth he would not let go of my finger.

I cried and told him I was telling him the truth and that the baby was his, but he would not listen, I never thought he could be that horrible. In the morning he told me that I should not sleep with him anymore and I slept in the other room. One night he was sleeping with my other child in the other room because we were no longer sleeping in the same room and it happened that our baby was sick in the middle of the night. He did not tell me that the baby was sick, but the baby cried and came to where I was sleeping, crawling and that is when I realised that the baby was sick. I asked him to give me money so that we could take the baby to the doctor, but he refused. We were not talking; I was not bathing and eating anything because I was not allowed to. I went to the family and reported that our baby was sick but his father did not want to give us money; they talked to him and he gave us R100. We went to see the doctor, but unfortunately the baby did not make it and the father did not tell me and the baby was buried without my knowledge.

In April I was admitted at the hospital and I was diagnosed with mental illness and I am still sick today and am taking medicine. All of my children are not attending school because their father says that he does not have money. I also sometimes miss my checkups because I do not have money for transport to go to the clinic. People see me as a mentally sick person and it hurts me so much because I was not born like this.

*Not her real name

This story is part of the “I” Stories series produced by the Gender Links News Service encouraging the view that speaking out can set you free.