Lesotho: My husband was unfaithful

I got married in 2009 and when I did, I was 25 years old. My husband, back then, was the best thing that had ever happened to me and all I could ask for in a man. Things were okay until he got a job in South Africa. It was a very good job and with it, life would be better. Without any hesitation from either of us, he accepted the job and he had to relocate. At the end of that month he came home with everything, the cash, the contract and the pay slip. We worked out a budget together and agreed on the amount of money he would leave at home as well as the amount he would take to cater for his needs. Things went accordingly, but three months down the line things turned around. He came home only at month’s ends and the money that we had agreed upon changed. He made excuses that he had some new things to buy for the house he was staying in. At some point, I took a month’s leave from work and visited him. I was overjoyed because since he had moved to South Africa, we did not have much time together.

I was so disappointed when I got there to find that the house was empty, there was not even a bed. We had to sleep on the mattress and I could not sleep. I went to the furniture shop and bought a bed. He never even commented when he got home and found that there was a new bed at home. I ignored him but I was hurting inside. I really wondered what was happening to my man; the loving humble character that I knew had vanished. I was frustrated and did not know what to do. He was too jumpy and would arrive very late from work or at times when we expected that he would walk in, he would call to say that he had gone on a field trip and he would get home very late. On pay day he did not give me any money nor ask me about the budget for that month. I kept quiet but the way things were I could smell trouble. I ignored it, but not for long, I asked about the money and he was very hostile. He told me that he never asked about my money and I should do the same as him.

I wanted to find out what was really going on as I could see that he was up to something and that was when I decided that I really had to dig and do investigations myself. The fact that he did not have any time for me, as I had expected, the late nights and him not even touching me: these gave me a reason to dig. I did and it did not take me long to find out that he was having an affair. That morning he left early for work and the previous night I had gone through his phone and found smses from his lover. I copied the number and saved it to my phone. I called the lady and I still regret it even to this date. She insulted me so badly and it was not something that I had expected. I was amazed because he never called while he was at work. I believe his girlfriend had told him because a few minutes after that call, my husband called just to check on me. I was so devastated that I wanted to go back home, but unfortunately I had no cash on me and I had no money for petrol.

I blamed myself because I had flashed my money with confidence as I was still expecting some from him. I was lonely and needed even a mere listening ear. There was no one to talk to as I was a thousand miles away from home. I was dying inside and having to share a bed with him every day was torture. The situation was so tense that you could cut through it. I would cry a lot and suicidal thoughts once crossed my mind but I could not do it because I thought of my son and what would happen to him if I died? I dismissed the idea but I felt that I could not go on like that. I stayed and I would wait for him patiently but when he arrived he would just go straight to bed.

It went on like that and I called home to ask for money. My mum deposited it into my bank account. The following day I waited for him to leave for work. Immediately after he left I packed our belongings and left. I drove for eight hours to reach home and even up to this day I still cannot tell you how I got home. I met his family and they tried to intervene. He was too stubborn and he just told them that whatever made me leave was my own problem. I could not take it and I went back to my parents. I got the support that I needed and soon enough I was back on my feet. He started calling to tell me how he missed me and the baby. I fell for his lies and went back to him without even saying a word to my mum. I stayed with him but it did not last for long as his girlfriends started calling him and he would be so cozy on the phone with them. He would say they were not important but the question is why did he have to talk to them in my presence if they were not?

I was afraid to go back home or even tell mum as I had left without even telling her. He became very abusive and he would call me names. He said I was a gold digger and with me it was all about money. Believe me I had lived with him while he was still broke and with the South African job things were better and for him to say I was a gold digger! Things went from bad to worse as he stopped sending money home. He would come at the month end but not give me even a cent. I decided to keep quiet and not say a word but I was suffering in silence. Instead of things getting better, they became worse. He started skipping months, not coming home, with the excuse that he was tied up at work.

One day when he told me that he was not coming home I decided to go and visit him. When I got there I was surprised to find him staying with another woman. It made perfect sense as to why he had stopped sending money home. I was frustrated and even regretted the decision I had made to come and visit him. He was not around when I arrived and later on when he got home, to his surprise he found me there. He asked me why I had come without telling him. I did not believe what I was hearing!

This story is part of the “I” Stories series produced by the Gender Links encouraging the view that speaking out can set you free.