Locked in a loveless marriage

When I met him he was so sweet, so loving, I knew by then that I had found my prince charming. I believed in him, I gave myself into him, trusted him with my life even though people tried to warn me I did not listen, I was blinded by love. I met him in 1997 moved in with him in 1998 but my mom did not know that. I grew up with my granny while my mom was back at school finishing her studies.

 

My granny was a domestic worker here in Johannesburg. I lived with her up until I was old enough to go to boarding school. She then decided to move back to Mmabatho and find me a boarding school. I lived there up until I met my husband and moved in with him.

 

My mom thought I was at school but I was not. Things started turning sour after having a baby and being married. He changed completely, I realised that he was a womaniser and was cheating on me. He did not care if I knew because I had already seen it. Whenever I approached him about it he would say I deserved it. He was starting to abuse me emotionally and physically. He was no longer cheating but actually doing it so that I would know that he was being unfaithful. We are staying in a complex and he has affairs with other women living there.

 

My daughter was living with us but I had to take her back to Mmabatho in June 2007 because the fighting was really traumatising her. She is now living with my granny. She used to watch her father beating me, swearing at me, telling me how useless I was, telling me to sell my body for a living because I am not employed. One day he beat me up and I was there lying down on the floor bleeding, helpless. My daughter was crying with me. He ordered me to stand up and clean the blood on the floor. I tried but I couldn’t, I saw my daughter jumping up taking a cloth and clean for me, she was afraid he was going to beat me again if I did not clean it up. That was the most painful day of my life, what am I doing to my daughter?

 

I was crying but not because of the pain of the assault but I was crying for my daughter, I felt guilty for letting her see things like that. My daughter would play with other children but when the father comes back she would come straight home. I think she felt she had to protect me because she knew her father when at home would always do something. I did not want her to see these things. 

 

I used to go to the police station every weekend because I was being beaten up. I did was not lay charges but would tell the police to talk to him, calm him down but I did not want him arrested. Every time the police left he would start again accusing me of having an affair with them. I was afraid to get him arrested because he threatened to kill me when he was let out of prison.

 

He still accused me of having affairs. He started recording me having sex. He would sometimes tell me that he dreamt about me having sex with another man. He would beat me as if he was in a fight with another man, kicking me, throwing me outside, and telling me he does not want a bitch for a wife. After all that I was supposed to sleep with, if I said no he felt I was having an affair with someone else. He would force himself on me telling me how cold and dry I was. I did not want to go back home when he chased me away but I felt it was my right to stay in our house because I had contributed a lot to it.

 

I am not sure if I can make it on my own.. He said where was I going to find a job, I am an old lady, there are looking for young and talented ladies now. He would promise young girls aged 19-22 years old jobs telling them that he would not find me one because I am old and ugly. Those were his girlfriends. He once told me that he has found himself another wife, he wants me to leave because the new wife wants to come and stay with him. 

 

He showed my daughter to that girl and told her to call her mommy. I refused to leave the house. I told him to go and took for another house for his new wife because I was not going anywhere. He said he wanted us to divorce, and then I said it was okay because law was going to take its course. He did not go on with the divorce, I do not know why. He said if he divorces me then he was going to lose a lot of things now he is waiting for me to divorce him then I can go and he wants to watch me suffer for the rest of my life.

 

I sometimes wonder if I was born to suffer, because I cry almost everyday. I prayed for years asking God to change my life for the better instead my problems are getting worse everyday. I have given up on me having any chance of happiness with my husband. Now I can see that I am only forcing things, they are not going to be okay. Now I am praying, but not for my husband to change because he is not going to.

 

I am only praying to God to give me power and strength to get myself out of this horrible nightmare. I want to let go but it is not easy especially for an unemployed mother. I have lost my self-esteem; I have lost trust in me. I feel like a failure in life. I am not sure if I can face life by myself again. Every time I think of letting go I ask myself questions like: Where am I going to go? Will I be able to provide for my baby? Will I be able to give her a place to stay? Will I ever find happiness again?

 

I really do not trust myself. I feel useless or maybe it is because my husband keeps reminding me that I am nothing without him. He even threatens to take my baby away from me if I try to divorce him. He says the law will give him my baby because I am unemployed and cannot provide for her. He can give her everything.

 

Right now I am trying to find myself and trying to find an easier way to get myself out of this mess, I hope it is just a matter of time. One day it will be over and I know I will be happy again I just need to be sure. I just want to be a good and loving mother to my beautiful daughter and one day have her be proud of me.