Lesotho:Shadi’s story

I was married to man at the age of 15 and apparently he had already had two wives, I did not know as I was forced into that marriage. I am a Mosotho woman aged 46 and I live at Linakeng, I have six children with different men.
I was visiting my uncle at Ha-Letuka and a young woman came claiming that she had a message for me. I went with her to her place and I found the very old man who was apparently my visitor, I was shocked because I did not know him, but he calmed me down and he was very nice seriously but not so that he could be my husband, but we talked and funnily enough, the lady was nowhere to be found.
It was around 4pm and he asked me to accompany him to the car wash and he would bring me home. I went because I did not think anything of it, we drove until we got to a place that I had never seen before as I was not staying in that part. He stopped the car and he just changed. He told me straight that he wanted to sleep with me and I told him that I was a virgin and I was not ready to sleep with any man because I was still young, but he did not listen. He forced me and slept with me. It was my first time to sleep with any man and I was so afraid.
He told me that he was going to marry me and he had just slept with me therefore I had no choice, he did not use any protection and it was very painful, I was bleeding and I was afraid of what I was going to say to my uncle. When I asked him why he did that to me he said it was because he loved me and wanted to be my husband. I was at a place that I did not know and I did not know where to go. He took me to his place where I found everything arranged as it was planned. They gave me water and I had a bath.
After I had just bathed, he came to me and told me that if I ever tried to run away he was going to kill me. He was very old. I was very afraid and I decided that I would stay because I did not want to die. He did not tell me that he was married and nobody else told me. We stayed together without any problems until we decided that we wanted a child I did not know any thing about children. We tried for two years but failed. He did not take it very well and he blamed me saying that I did not fall pregnant because I had had so many abortions, it was very painful because he was the first man I slept with and he knew it and he even saw that I was bleeding, it was very painful.
I asked him if we could go and see the doctor so that we would be sure what the problem really was, but he refused and it was a difficult situation. He did not want anything to do with seeing the doctor. My marriage was very difficult because my husband talked about children every day and he blamed me but he did not want to see a doctor. One day he came home very drunk and I did not even know that he was drinking and he was with two women and I was already in bed. He asked me to sleep on the mattress because he had visitors and he was going to sleep with them. I told him that he should sleep with them on the mattress, but he shouted at me saying that I was not giving him children.
He pushed me out of the bed and threw me down and asked those two women to beat me, but they refused and told him that they would rather sleep with him in front of me than beat me up. He slept with those two women in front of me and he was telling me that I could not give him children therefore I should thank those two women as they were doing me a big favour. I decided to leave him because our situation was very bad. He wanted to sleep with me without protection saying that I was his wife, but I could not agree because he was sleeping with different women. When I mentioned that I was going, he threatened to kill me and I called a doctor in secret to test both of us and it came out that he was the one with the problem.
I now have six children with different men and I still believe that I wanted to prove to that man that I could conceive, it still hurts me even now when I see how many children I have and with different men, apparently he kicked out his other two wives because he said they were barren, but he was the one with the problem.
This story is part of the “I” Stories series produced by the Gender Links encouraging the view that speaking out can set you free.