Mauritius: I can learn to fly again

Port Louis, 3 December: I was being physically and emotionally tortured. I could never get used to it. The problem was that he did not want to communicate anymore but communication was our only way out. One day he lost control.

I was having a cup of coffee and everything I was feeling suddenly came out. I didn’t even have time to tell him how hurt I was. I could feel his strong hands firmly squeezing my throat as he tried to strangle me. I lay on the floor, powerless. After a while, he released me but it was only the beginning of my nightmare. He grabbed a knife from the kitchen. He wanted to kill me.

I silently prayed and tried to think through this situation. I could not run away since I had a handicapped leg. I decided not to move. I still prayed for my life and then he just left the kitchen. He went upstairs and got ready for work.

This wasn’t the first time. Sometimes he refused to buy food. He used to force me to cook, even when I was badly injured from my accident. For one whole year, he did not allow me to leave the house. I was sad and scared.

I went for a walk to think through everything that had just happened. I realised that I had a choice. I had to make a decision. Either I could choose to remain silent and keep on being tortured or I could opt to file a complaint against him and get the help and assistance that I needed.

I made the right choice and made my way to the police station. Despite everything that I had endured, the first thing that came to my mind was him. I wanted my decision to open his eyes. I wanted my decision to help him. My previous attempts all failed and I thought that this was our last chance. I did it in the name of justice, but I knew that by so doing I was going to lose everything.

The police did a wonderful job. They showed me that they care and treat gender-based violence very seriously. I felt reassured, protected and that I could trust the police. I felt that I was gaining back what I had lost: my sense of identity and dignity. I didn’t feel guilty or to blame. I received my protection order and they advised me to the house for my own security, so I did.

Despite everything, I can’t help loving my ex-boyfriend. I believe that he is ill and needs help. I was the only one trying to help him out but I was unsuccessful. I tried to tell him and others that he required special attention but no one believed me. Instead, they thought that I was crazy one. After all, he was a respected man working in a reputable company.

Today, I am back on my feet and no matter how hard it is I can learn to fly again. No one can tie me down. All I want now is other women to see that they can choose to walk away from a situation that is no longer nourishing to them. We have to be strong!

Not her real name*

Deepa lives in Mauritius. This story is part of the “I” Stories series produced by the Gender Links News Service as part of the 16 Days of Activism campaign against gender violence, encouraging the view that speaking out can set you free.