South Africa: Im born again

*Triger warning: Violence*

I have a brother by the name of *A, who is 51 and sister by the name of *B who is 53. This is how I recall the events which happened to me at the age of 5; we were poor and stayed in a broken house with no windows. My dad grew up in Springs and had a very best friend by the name of *C. My dad was an alcoholic and was very abusive and couldn’t always hold down a job. When he was drunk he always said to us that I and *A were not his kids. Only *B was his child. *A and I would start crying and say daddy we are your kids, we come from you and mommy and we love you. He would then turn around and hit us. My sister would go to bed and my brother and I would sit with mom. In the morning *C would take *B to school. My dad would not come home for a week as he had a girlfriend in the Transvaal. *C looked after us and bought us food when he did come home he was drunk and would hit mom, *A and myself. This carried on for many years and got worse. He would swear to us and beat us every day but never my sister. One day my dad ordered me to go to the shops. He was friends with the shop owner. His name was *D. I went to the fridge to get milk when I heard the door close I started getting scared. He said to me I must come to the back of the shop. I not knew anything. There he molested me and I had to perform sexual acts with him, I was sobbing and begged him to leave me alone. He then brought out a gun and put it to my head saying if I tell anyone he will kill me and dump me where nobody will find me.

This carried on for a whole year. I was a broken little girl. I could not tell my mom as she was trying to cope with dad’s drunkenness and abuse. I was damaged emotionally and scared for life, after a year I decided to take up sport to get out of everything. I was running early every morning, playing softball at night, cycling, playing squash and going to gym. I would always go to school and sit on the field and cry by myself until the teacher came to me one morning and said what wrong, I said I’m just feeling sad. After a few months I went to the office and saw a school councillor and broke down crying telling her about my dad, but my dad didn’t tell her I was molested. She spoke to me and asked me if I wanted to go to a children’s home and I said no as I need to look after my mum, brother and sister. The school wrote my dad a letter. He said to us he would change and be a better dad. It lasted for a while and he started all over again. This lasted for 14 years. I was pushing myself trying to forget what happened to me. I would come home at 8 o’clock every night he would then hit me and mom and *A in his drunken state. It was a living nightmare. Mom, I and *A would always prepare ourselves as we knew we were going to get hit. I hated my dad with a passion and had no respect for him.

In 2001 my dad had a major truck accident almost being killed, ending up having major operations. He then gave up alcohol for food. Visiting my dad in I.C.U, I sobbed, I took care of him at home. He sat on the couch one night crying saying to mom he was sorry for the life he gave us. Slowly did I learn to love my dad and he became a good dad and husband. He started supporting me in sport. I ran to comrade’s which I always wanted to do. Dad was at the finishing line. I received SA colours and Natal colours. I then met my boyfriend at the age of 21 who was also a sportsman. We supported one another and spoke about marriage and I told him I wanted to remain clean until I get married one day. We were together for 9 years. One Friday evening after training I went to his flat for coffee and got on his bed and fell asleep as I was tired from training. I woke up with him taking my clothes off me and raping me injuring me internally not allowing me to have kids. My body was broken into pieces and my mind torn apart. I confined in my friend *E. In 2005 my mother passed away. I then turned to drugs and alcohol to numb my brain so that I didn’t think of mom and my past. I was drugging and drinking Monday to Sunday and would always come home when dad was in bed so that he couldn’t find out. My dad died a few months later. Depression set in causing me to use more drugs, alcohol as it blocked out the pain I was feeling from the rape, from my father’s friend and the rape from my ex and also the abuse at home.

With the help of my niece I stopped using drugs and joined her in Ireland. Through everything I use to self-harm in form of cutting my arm and breaking my elbow and cutting my hands. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital where everything came out about my rape, abuse and the death of my parents. When I opened up the pain, my emotions, the hurt the age that came out of me. I stayed in Ireland for 6 years undergoing counselling and treatment for 2 years. I became a happy person again even though the pain was still there. I am clear from drugs, alcohol for 7 years. I came back to SA and stayed with a male friend who was an alcoholic. I was crying as he wanted sex from me and abused me. I said to myself I’m going to kill myself. I ended up in hospital on life support and lived. I then net Cindy my ex sister in law and moved in with her. I got baptized and became a born again Christian and go to church. The Lord has opened doors for me at Wentworth hospital to patients where I pray for them and council them. I am blessed in seeing some patients lives have changed. I cannot thank the Lord enough for what he is doing for me. My life has changed; I thank *F and *G for the help and counselling. When I was in Wentworth hospital I was referred to UECE-Umgeni Empowerment Centre to see *G. I underwent counselling and prayer which helped me a lot. I also want to thank my best friend for all the support she has given me I strive and look forward to worshipping the Lord and helping other people in a similar situation. My dream is to go back to Ireland and be with my niece and her kids and re-unite with my sister.