South Africa: Lamla Bogoto

My name is Lamla Bogoto, I am 25 years of age born and bred in Pampierstad I have 2 beautiful children (twins). I was raised by my grandparents, my mother and I had no relationship from a young age I never knew a mother’s love, my mom used to travel a lot and even when she was around she never made time or spent time with me, my mother was a harsh person growing up she used to shout at me a lot. I started experiencing abuse at a tender age of 11or 12 if I remember correctly by my cousin who is 9 years older than me. I would say I was a happy child…it all started when my cousin would ask me to play with him when there are no adults around, one day it was me and him in the house my grandmother had to go somewhere and he began to touch me and touch my private parts he also would me touch him make me play with his private part and after that he would tell to never say anything to anyone about what he did to me. Growing up in a strict home I could not tell my grandmother because we would get beaten up. So, I kept quiet I never said anything.

Now that I understand everything at the time, he was grooming me because he would do that all the time when he was alone with me. He would make me touch his private area and make me play with it. There was this one particular day where he called me into my grandma’s room he said to me, I should lift up my dress and I should lay on the bed and then I should spread my legs when I asked him why, he said I should keep quiet and do as he says. I was scared because I didn’t know what he wanted to do. That was the first time he tried to penetrate me but because I was in pain and he could see that I wanted to scream he stopped quickly dressed and told me to get up get dressed and go play outside. He said I should never utter a word to anyone about what he just did. The second time he attempted, was few months later my cousins were visiting for school holidays and we were at his mother’s house, keep in mind that my other cousins were girls as well. So, he suggested that we play some sort of hide and seek game where he would let us into the house one by one and then try to spook us.

We agreed he whispered to me that I’m going to get inside the house lastly. Okay my cousins went in the game went as he said it would. When it was my turn he quickly closed the door my cousins were outside when I got in the house he threw me on the bed he pulled my panties to the side he tried to forcefully penetrate me because I was crying he stopped because he was scared that the ones who were outside would hear what he was trying to do that day I had blood spots and I really sore down there. Still I never told my grandma what was going on. He moved away for some time but that time I was in my teen years something began to change for me I began to have sexual urges I secretly started to masturbate and watch porn and just want to have sex with men, any man as long as I satisfied that urge. Around the age of 14 my aunt was dating a man who was a pastor at our church.

He spent a lot of time in our house, sometimes he would look at me in a way that I could not understand. One day at our school we were receiving awards at our school and I was nominated. He was asked to accompany me because my grandmother couldn’t go. Later that day I was in the kitchen he came in kitchen, he said to me I looked beautiful I just ignored him and payed no attention to it. As days went by he began to start touching like, he would touch me on my shoulder or no one is looking. He would touch me on the thigh. One day I was home inside the house alone I remember I was busy ironing my clothes he came in and started talking to me I thought it was just casual talk but kept getting closer he touched my breast and when I told him to stop he picked me up and started kissing me. I tried to fight him off of me and told him I would scream he stopped and he put me down and went outside. I started being uneasy and uncomfortable around him because he would randomly wink at me when no one was looking. I could not raise this up at home because I was still you and knowing my family they would just say I’m being unruly and wanted to cause problems. I struggled with this because it caused me problems that I still live with till this day because I never went to therapy. I struggle with sexual urges and I sometimes can’t control myself I sleep with different men just to satisfy my urges. When I was in high school doing grade 10 I was 16 I moved in with my mother and she and I would bud heads all the time she was abusive she would beat me up all the time and she would cuss me out telling me I’m a slut. Around that time I briefly started dating a man who was 12 years older than me because he would sleep with me constantly and to me I thought it was love and that I needed someone to have sex with me to show me he loved me my mother found out about it she beat me to a pulp with a sjambok which almost cost me my eye, my eye was shut I couldn’t see that night I ran away from home and went to my father who was a police Sargent at the local police station. He took me to the social worker who opted that I should go back and live with my grandmother.

My mom resented me I was depressed I didn’t love myself i failed a grade and around that time my father started getting sick and I was in too deep I didn’t see any purpose to continue living one particular night I decided to overdose I used my grandma’s medication I mixed all variety of pills and swallowed all of them and took some poison that’s used to kill roaches and ants mixed it in water and drank it. Then went to sleep. A few minutes later I started feeling drowsy I started throwing up and later I went to sleep hoping to never wake up again…in the morning I was waken up by my uncle he found the containers of the poison he was furious he dragged to the lounge took out his belt he beat me so bad I had bruises all over my body I could walk properly I got admitted at Connie voster hospital for a week. I drowned in depression so bad I cried the whole week when I was I would have panic attacks I couldn’t express myself whenever they offered counseling I shut down…today I’m raising two little girls and I feel like my upbringing as a child still affects me to this day because I see some of the things my mother did I’m doing to my kids and I always fear for them because I’m scared That what happened to me might happen to them I don’t allow my kids to play with boys they are always in the house because I have anxiety. Just thinking that anything bad might happen to them… I want to be better I want to heal because I think even mentally I was affected by all this because all I think about every time is sex. I want help I don’t want to feel like this anymore.. I want to be a better mother to my kids.