South Africa: Mmathapelo Ephenia Malapane

My name is Mmathapelo Ephenia Malapane. My maiden name is Mailula. I grew up without a mother, so both my mother’s and my father’s family decided to share custody of my brother and me. I was full-time at my mother’s side, and then during school holidays I would visit my father’s side. Growing up, I used to be smart and excel in my schoolwork. I used to be a top student of all grades. But things started changing when I was in my high school level doing grade 10 in the year 2000. I started dropping, and I even failed my grade 10. The problem started when I visited my grandparents at my father’s side. I was sleeping in the same room with my uncle (my father’s younger brother), who is now late. Whenever he comes back home drunk, he would pull down my blanket and start touching me in an inappropriate way that made me feel uncomfortable. I would ask him what he wants; he’ll tell me to keep quiet and that I am a grown woman. When I tell him that I’ll scream, he’ll stop touching me.

That’s when I started developing fear but never told my grandmother because he promised to kill both of us if I said something. I went back to my mother’s side after the holidays; I never wanted to set my foot on my father’s side, and this hurts my grandmother so much because I couldn’t give a valid reason as I was trying to protect both of us. One day when I was sleeping with my cousin from my mother’s side, I decided to talk about the reason why I no longer want to go to my father’s family. My cousin went to tell her mother, and I was very happy that my misery is coming to an end. Little did I know it was the beginning of my miserable life. Instead of helping me, they started making jokes about it, and that’s when I lost my confidence in everything. I was always bitter and grumpy. This affected me so much in my studies that I even sometimes felt like committing suicide. There was one time I took all of my grandmother’s high blood pressure medication; luckily, my sister came in before I could drink all of them.

In 2016, I got married to an abusive man, and he was a pastor in Mokopane. On the day before the wedding, we had an argument about a very simple thing, which was that they must be time-conscious because at our church we’re always punctual. He was furious, and he almost beat me; luckily, my cousin and his cousin stopped him. I almost didn’t go to marry him the next day after seeing his behaviour, which were the first red flags. In 2017, when I was studying, he tried to stop me from going to school that his mother wanted me to choose between education and marriage, but I told him I was choosing education and pretended to be understanding. At night that same day, he woke me up and started beating me, saying that I was disrespectful to his mother and left me unconscious, and his mother didn’t do anything; she just kept quiet and let him beat me in front of her. We were on silent treatment for a few days, then he started talking to me as if nothing happened because he never apologizes whenever he is wrong.

In 2017, I was doing my experiential learning at Thabina Circuit, and he was staying at Mokopane, so I had to stay at my maternal home during the week, and then every Friday I would go to Mokopane and come back Monday morning. One day he called when I was on my way to Mokopane. He asked how far I was, and then I told him he started counting hours and distance as if I were using my own car, knowing very well I was hitch hiking. When I got there, he had no problem, but at midnight, he woke me up and started asking where I was because he was counting hours after I left home. He started beating me that I was having boyfriends along the way, and he never knew I was pregnant; I had a miscarriage the following day. I went to the police bare foot because he was refusing to give me my clothes. I came back with a police van. I managed to pack my stuff and stayed at the police station for 3 days because I was summoned to court by the social workers because he reported me that I was cheating on him. On the day of court, he was the one who was allowed to speak, but I was not given a chance to speak. They told me that they believed him because he was a pastor. I left them while still pointing me. After a few days, he called me that I must come back. I went back, but he never apologized. All I found out is that he’s having an affair with a 16-year-old girl who is also in the same church he’s leading. When I confronted him, he never denied he started beating me. That’s when we got separated for good. In 2019, I decided to file for divorce after he received summonses. He came to my workplace, where I was doing an internship in 2021; unfortunately, he didn’t find me. He started breaking the property at my workplace. That’s when they opened a case against him. He was arrested and got out on bail. I went to ask for a protection order, and I was granted one.

On May 25, 2022, my divorce was finalized by the court of law. This marriage affected me and my children in a bad way, especially my firstborn; she’ll tell me she hates men with all her heart. I am also affected emotionally, psychologically, mentally, and economically. Sometimes my mind would be blank, especially during job interviews.