Zimbabwe: Why me?

Bulawayo, 3 December: I am an 18-year-old teenage girl. I was born into a broken family. The constant fighting made me feel upset, angry and even frightened. Dad was addicted to drugs. Sometimes came home drunk and physically and verbally abused the whole family.

We all made a point of going to bed by the time he got home. My siblings and I sometimes ignored him the following day because we all felt horrible. His addiction created serious pain and financial problems.

I left school when I was about to sit for my ‘O’ level Examinations because I couldn’t afford to pay my school fees. During that time my mom’s vending business was not bringing in enough money to sustain us. My violent, addicted father never cared about supporting us.

Watching the breakup of my parents’ marriage was one of the most painful experiences of my life. The screaming and abusive language that erupted into violence had a terrible effect on our wellbeing. Time passed and life got tougher and tougher. My mom finally packed up all her belongings and left for her parent’s house. We were left with him.

Not long after mom left, we already had a stepmother, who treated us as badly as he did. She lamented having to share everything with us. She suggested that the five of us squeeze into the smallest bedroom in the house. It was so emotionally draining staying with her because we fought and argued every day. She also never allowed our father to give us any money. I resented having to care for all my siblings, because I couldn’t go to school or have fun with friends.

On top of it all, other children in the neighbourhood started calling me names and I lost all self-esteem. I was never happy and I cried every night. I suffered from deep depression.

I have contemplated killing myself, but when I think of leaving my younger siblings in that hellhole, I hold on and continue to struggle with them. Praying is the only thing that brings peace in my heart.

I hate men and I don’t trust them. I do not imagine myself ever being in a relationship with a man. What I hate about men is they will condone abuse. My father’s relatives found nothing wrong with what he was doing and took no action. If only my mother could have taken us with her, maybe things could have been better for us. Either way, this is not how life is supposed to be. “Why me?” I ask myself all the time and I do not have the answer.

Not her real name*

Shumi lives in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe. This story is part of the “I” Stories series produced by the Gender Links News Service as part of the 16 Days of Activism campaign against gender violence, encouraging the view that speaking out can set you free.