Afraid of dying

Date: June 25, 2012

My elder niece has just left me alone. She has gone to by some food for us from the market. I didn’t want her to go and leave me alone; I am afraid of dying. I haven?t taken my tablets (for tuberculosis) for five days because I am too hungry. The pills make me sicker if I take them without food.

Maria* has AIDS and is being cared for by her young nieces. She spoke to Ruth Ansah Ayisi.

I will use the name Maria. It is not my real name, but I prefer to be private, even as I am dying. I am only 20 years old. I am struggling to breathe. It is getting worse. I think it is because I feel scared.

My elder niece has just left me alone to go and buy some food for us from the market. I didn’t want her to go and leave me alone. I am afraid of being alone when I die.

Some foreign visitors gave my niece the money to get food. They asked me when I last ate. When I explained that we hadn’t eaten for a couple of days, I couldn’t keep back the tears from rolling down my face. I remembered those days when our plot of land produced lots of food, like beans, maize, bananas.

I haven’t taken my tablets (for tuberculosis) for five days, because I’m too hungry. The pills make me feel sicker if I take them without food.

My two elder nieces work on people’s farms and clean their homes. They are given food for work. But this season the rains have not been good and so the crops are not doing well. There is not much work for them.

The niece who is still in school – she is doing well there, and I hope she can stay in school À“ receives a food package. She tells me the children in her school who have no parents receive food. But it a holiday, so she didn’t go to school for two days and we have no food.

We all live in this one-roomed home: me and my five nieces and nephews. They are the children of my three sisters who all died after being sick, like I am. We used to have strong mats to sleep on, farming tools, and chairs. But we have sold our possessions to pay for my medicines, transport and food.

But let me go back to the beginning and tell you my story. I live in Zambezia province, a part of Mozambique where we grow lots of food.

My problems began when I dropped out of school at 15years old. Lots of friends also dropped out of school at that age to get married, but I had wanted to continue studying. I had to leave school to look after my parents who were both ill for a long time before they died.

I then married. I looked forward to having children and living a long life with my husband. But then all my three sisters fell ill and they left me with their children. One of my nieces, who is 14-years old, already has a baby of her own. But the father of the child does not help her.

Then I too fell sick. We all seem to get the same illnesses. My husband was angry and left me. So suddenly I am the head of the household; am sick and have no food for the children. I had to sell my plot of land to survive.

What keeps me going is the visits I get from Anita. She has children of her own. She tells me she is living with the HIV virus too. But we don’t talk about it too much. My neighbours know and keep away from me. Anita comes to chat; and she listens to my problems. It helps a lot to talk, though I also need food.

I don’t really understand why I am so sick. My body is just bones. I can no longer walk by myself. My nieces carry me out of the hut during the day. I prefer to lie outside and see the daylight, but it is difficult to get comfortable and to get into a position where I can breathe a bit more easily.

I worry about my nieces and nephews as I won’t be around for much longer. What will happen to them? Who will look after them?

(Maria* has since died and her orphaned nieces and nephews were turned out of the home because it did not belong to them and they could not afford the rent.)

*Not her real name.

Ruth Ansah Ayisi is a board member of Gender Links. This article is part of the Gender and Media Opinion Commentary Service that provides fresh views on everyday news.

Afraid of dying

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