Africa: Fathering a child does not make you a father!

Nairobi – 20 February: I will never forget the chilly evening of late last year when I got home to the heart-breaking news of the disappearance of “my daughter”, Doris Okwemba. She had left the house that afternoon to buy something at the shop, promising to be back within minutes. She never came back. Around 7.30 pm she made contact with her sister assuring us of her safety.

The next thing her phone went off. I tried calling her several times without luck. That evening I did not eat or catch any sleep as I recalled the sacrifices that I had made to give Doris a sound start to life at the expense of my own family. I have tried my best to ensure they do not feel that I love my three-year old biological son more than them.

I had adopted a five-year old Doris after the death of her mother, my elder sister. I doubled as a father and mother for Doris for more than ten years. You can understand the pain I went through when I heard she had not come back home.

The following day I went to Doris’ school to talk to her friends and investigate her movements. For the first time, I came to know that the man who had abandoned my sister on her deathbed and declared publicly that he did not want anything to do with his daughters, had started sending emissaries to talk to Doris.

Apparently, Doris had confided in two of her classmates that her so-called “father” had been sending her money through a female workmate. After a decade of absence from her life, Doris’ father now had to buy her love!

I also learnt that Doris’ “father” had told her that I had blocked him from seeing his daughters. Yet, for the 12 solid years I have raised the girls he has never – contacted or contributed towards. Had the sudden interest in the girls come about because Doris is in high school and her sister has just acquired a tertiary qualification?

Hours later after speaking to Doris’ classmates and reporting the matter to the police, Doris called. She said that unknown people who were not allowing her to use her phone had abducted her. She had obviously been told to lie. I sent her a message that the matter had been reported to the police and the “father” replied that he had claimed back his child.

I started seeing the masculine tendencies that characterise our society. Many men think they are powerful, ultimate decision-makers and rational leaders whose actions should not be questioned even when they err. At the police station, the police officer insisted that Doris’ father had the right to unfettered access to the girls. My uncle and two cousins also agreed. They said that in our culture: children belong to their father and I did not have any reason to fight this battle.

Here were four men who had mistreated my sister notwithstanding that she had taken a loan to help complete their house. My cousins, uncle and a few female relatives never questioned this. Instead, they were lecturing me on outdated traditions that affirm patriarchy. One of my uncles found it difficult to reconcile my argument that the act of fathering a child does not qualify one for the title of father.

I finally managed to track Doris down. After two weeks of not talking to her about the incident, I finally had a conversation with Doris, her sister and their aunt. A remorseful Doris also requested a meeting with me after one week and admitted that the incident made her a wiser young woman. We agreed to put it behind us and move on.

I learnt that as gender advocates, we have to work extra hard to make our families, friends, and communities understand that culture is dynamic.

Should men, by virtue of fathering children have legal or moral rights to be accorded the parent title, even when they do not play a role in their upbringing? Do I not have the right to claim Doris as my own daughter?

Doris’ case is a classic example of how society bestows sole “ownership” of children to the man even when he has not provided for them. It is also the reason why families will go to great lengths to establish the real father of the child or his whereabouts if the child is born out of wedlock. Paradoxically, the same society does not entertain searching for the mother in cases where she is absent. Why do we apply double standards?

Our patriarchal society grants men unquestionable entitlement to the children. It makes it easy for men to escape responsibility and only emerge when the same children are productive members of society. These men, like Doris’ father are opportunists.

Men like Doris’ “father” should be subjected to a rigorous evaluation using a comprehensive scorecard before they claim to be “real” men and fathers. Advocates of gender justice should rebuke such men and traditional tendencies that perpetuate inequalities. The road to real fatherhood is long, but one step at a time will create a better place for women and men in Africa.

Arthur Okwemba is a journalist with the African Women and Child Feature Service in Kenya. This article is part of the Gender Links Opinion and Commentary Service, bringing you fresh views on everyday views.