Breaking the silence: democracy begins at home

To an outsider looking in, women who stay in violent relationships endangering both limb and spirit may often seem to defy logic. With some uncanny parallels in intent and desired outcome between official torture and domestic violence, many people have often wondered why women in such situations do not muster the power of exit in the face of horrors that frequently amount to cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment.

To an outsider looking in, women who stay in violent relationships endangering both limb and spirit may often seem to defy logic. With some uncanny parallels in intent and desired outcome between official torture and domestic violence, many people have often wondered why women in such situations do not muster the power of exit in the face of horrors that frequently amount to cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment.

Domestic violence destroys the spirit and inculcates a sense of low self- esteem and worthlessness, which may hamper the initiation of action by women. Some women fear that they will not be able to go it alone, because of their often weaker economic position, or because they think they are too far gone with the marriage or have too many children to even contemplate a new life. In cultures where the children are regarded as belonging to the man should the parties separate, some women rationalise their staying, because they do not wish to be separated from their children. Forget legislative intervention regarding the best interests of the child. Patriarchy, as well as custom, often seems to have an upper hand.

In societies where being married is regarded as the defining feature of a decent woman, some may prefer the martyrdom of a violent union than to break the silence on domestic violence and risk life as a single woman. For the majority of women, what prevents them from breaking the silence is the simple fact that hope springs eternal. Hope that things will change for the better!

Despite the rationalisations that women make for staying, there often comes a time when the bucket finally overflows, when despite their weakened physical and mental state, their survival instinct finally sees the need to cry out for action. Yet even in such situations, women still have to weigh whether it is worth their while to take the final steps.

What contributes to women breaking the silence is in no small way dependent on how useful they perceive the various support systems to be. When I say system, I am talking of the overall response system at both the informal and formal level that women can expect to utilise. If the family is likely to take an attitude that the marriage must be sustained at all costs, then women might not see the family as a functional support system. The church’s “pray about it my child” solution may also not yield the desired earthly results for most women.

From my own experience as a community legal education activist in the 80s and 90s, I was struck by how formal solutions offered by activist organisations on domestic violence, often fail to address the lived realities of women themselves. All too often the solutions offered assume a relative ease in accessing supportive infrastructure such as courts, police stations, hospitals, to mention a few. I recall the ridiculousness of utilising a pamphlet on domestic violence in the rural areas, which suggested as one of its key solutions, phoning the police to get help. It went on to show an illustration of a woman doing just that.

In a developing world setting, telecommunications are difficult enough in the urban areas, not to mention the difficulties of accessing these in the rural areas. For many women, phoning the police is simply not an option that they would prioritise.

Magistrates’ courts may also not be accessible for purposes of getting a peace order – again another solution that is often offered to women experiencing domestic violence. Even if women are able to get to the court, often at a great expense in terms of transport, the majority may encounter a justice system that they are unfamiliar with. With limited availability of legal aid, and frequently unhelpful officials, the effort of breaking out and taking action for many women may not be worth it.

Bear in mind that solutions are often utilised to the extent that they are deemed useful. People in general do talk about their perceptions of the efficacy or otherwise of service providers. If in the case of domestic violence, word of mouth gets around as to just how difficult it is to use the system, rest assured that the majority of women with similar problems are simply not going to bother. For instance, women often fear that the police in particular will not take them seriously – that birds of a feather will flock together and that they are more likely to sympathise with the man than with them.

Men who beat women or even kill them are often not considered depraved in any way at all by some of their male counterparts. For example, it’s nearly two years since the death of a Zimbabwean Parliamentarian who brutally stabbed his wife in what turned out to have been a gruesome cycle of domestic violence fit for horror movies. Yet, recently, I was shocked beyond belief to read a letter to the editor proclaiming his virtues as a fighter for democracy. How, I asked myself, can the private be so separate from public? Should democracy after all not begin at home?

Ultimately, unless we begin to verbalise and understand women’s fears, we cannot hope to fashion appropriate strategies for empowerment. It is patriarchal attitudes both from within and from without that we need do grapple with. We also need to recognise the futility of expecting women to break the silence if the supportive systems for when they do so, are woefully inadequate. In short we need to know where to channel our energies.

Dr Amy S Tsanga, is the Deputy Director of the Women’s Law Institute and author of “Taking Law to the People: Gender, Law Reform and Community Legal Education in Zimbabwe” Harare: Weaver Press 2003.

This article is part of the GEM Opinion and Commentary Service that provides views and perspectives on current events.

janine@genderlinks.org.za for more information.