Brothers, treat the women in your life with respect

Women deserve our trust, love and respect. They are the ones who keep our homes and families together. They are the ones who make great sacrifices. They should not be abused. My message to the men out there is to treat the women in your life with care and honour.

Women deserve our trust, love and respect. They are the ones who keep our homes and families together. They are the ones who make great sacrifices. They should not be abused. My message to the men out there is to treat the women in your life with care and honour.

It was only when I realised how much I had hurt the woman that I loved – physically, emotionally, and psychologically – that I knew I had to change. The way I behaved was not acceptable. I am a happier man now that I have acknowledged my wrongdoings and am trying to change my life.

I left school after completing standard 8 because my mother could not pay the school fees – my father had died when I was younger. I found a job as a male nurse assistant at Baragwanath Hospital and then moved to a lounge suite manufacturing company where I worked for 10 years. It was then when I met a woman who I fell in love with.

But things turned sour when my best friend had an affair with my girlfriend behind my back. Our relationship was over. Then I discovered that my girlfriend had a baby and that the child was mine, not my friends’. She apologised for her behaviour and, after some time, we reconciled.

We were happy together again until we got married and had to leave my family home because of disagreements. We then went to live with my wife’s parents.

I was unemployed and my wife and I would argue over this every day. She would say that she was tired of working for a man, and she would shout and swear at me. The arguments got worse and worse and I began beating her. This went on for months on end and I continued beating her every time we argued. I felt like less of a man – not only was I unemployed, but I was also living at her parents house! I had no power or control over our finances but at least I could get some power over her physically.

My wife then began affair with another man. She went away with him for a whole weekend left me with our son. In my culture, this is a terrible insult. I was so angry I thought of killing her.

When she came back on Sunday night I started hitting her. She managed to run away and I didn’t go home that night. Our marriage was over and I went back to my previous home and found a job.

As time went on my wife and I divorced and I remarried. I ran a bottle store from my house and my wife would help out. She would shout at some customers and turn on me when I tried to calm her down. I dealt with this by beating her up. She reminded me of how my ex-wife used to speak to me; I remembered how powerless I used to feel. I thought that if the customers saw my wife shouting me they would think that I was not a man, so I had to show them who was in charge.

Once I beat her so badly that she had to go to hospital. She laid an assault charge against me. I was arrested and taken to court. The case was remanded to other date and my wife had second thoughts and dropped the case. But I could tell she was heart broken. That made me feel so bad, and at that moment, when I looked at her, I knew that I had to change. How could I be hitting someone who loved me enough to forgive me?

It was then that I realised that that the way I had treated her and my first wife was wrong and unacceptable. No one deserves to be treated like that. We have reconciled and I am getting help through the Agisanang Domestic Abuse Prevention and Training project where I am part of their men’s programme. Healing is a process and through counseling and guidance I – and the men who are with me in the ex-offenders group – am learning that you don’t need violence to solve your problems.

This article is part of a special series of articles produced for the Sixteen Days of Activism Against Gender Violence Campaign.

This article is part of the GEM Opinion and Commentary Service that provides views and perspectives on current events.

janine@genderlinks.org.za for more information.