Free at last

For the past two months my children and I have gone to bed knowing that we are safe. We?ve slept peacefully, without fear of the possibility of being woken up to fists and harsh words, of being chased into the street and locked out of the house in the middle of the night. My children and I are finally free.

For the past two months my children and I have gone to bed knowing that we are safe. We’ve slept peacefully, without fear of the possibility of being woken up to fists and harsh words, of being chased into the street and locked out of the house in the middle of the night. My children and I are finally free.

But it wasn’t always like this…

I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years. I have been called a “dog”, a “bitch”, a “donkey” and many other names by a man I called my husband. He called me these names in front of the police, my family and my children.

During those 10 years, I sought the help of psychologists, social workers, my priest and friends. I applied for a number of protection orders; laid many charges of assault; and even left home to stay with family or at a shelter on occasion. But none of it worked. Most times I would go back home, rescind the protection order or drop the charges because I somehow thought it would get better, that he would change.

But nothing changed. It seemed to only get worse.

A few months before my husband finally left us we were visiting my parents and younger sisters in Pietersburg. An argument between us quickly escalated into the violence to which I had become so used to. But not caring that my parents were there, he bit me, swore at me, called me a “witch, just like your mother”. He threatened to burn my mother’s house down, and told the children that he would slit their throats.

When we got home we were so afraid that he would do as he said. The children were petrified that he would really kill them. How could we stay at home when we were all in fear of our lives? I decided that it would be best if we stayed at my sisters’ house.

I applied for a protection order to prevent him from chasing us from the house, which I knew he would do when we returned. I went with the police when they served him with the order. Enraged by what I had done, he began to swear at me, calling me all sorts of demeaning names; saying that he didn’t want to see my face; that if I stayed, he would kill me.

All of this happened while the police were still in the house. But all they did was get his signature and left.

Once they had gone the verbal abuse continued. He threatened to throw a heavy ashtray in my face, and if it wasn’t for the fact that a friend of his intervened, he probably would have done so. I knew my life was in danger if I stayed, so, despite having the protection order, I went back to my sisters’ house. But I knew that this kind life was not good for anyone.

In another incident he threatened to “make me a skeleton” after locking my daughter and I in the house. After letting us out, I reported what had happened to the police and a warrant for his arrest was issued as he was in violation of the of the protection order I had secured against him. Our day in court arrived and my son was called to testify. He told the court about the violence we experienced at home and the protection order was confirmed. The judge also advised that we seek help from NICRO.

That’s when my husband applied for a divorce and moved out of the house. That was almost three months ago. Since then he has not contributed to the maintenance of the children, or made any attempt to help us financially.

But even though it’s hard, things are better. Not living with constant fear helps. Knowing that we are safe from his fists and vicious words means that my children and I have a chance at a better life.

And I know we are not alone. When my children and I had left home at one stage we stayed at a woman’s shelter run by NISAA Institute for Women’s Development. Here, both my children and I received counseling and support from an incredible staff. These women and the women in other shelters and organisations that assist women in violent relationships should be honoured. They have helped hundreds of women like me get back their dignity. They have made it possible for me to believe that I am free to live in safety and that I can go to bed each night at peace with myself and the world.

Our divorce proceedings are underway and will be finalised before the end of the year. My children miss their father terribly and speak to him as often as they can. It’s hard for them not having their father around, but at least we are safe.

This article is part of a special series of articles produced for the Sixteen Days of Activism Against Gender Violence Campaign.

This article is part of the GEM Opinion and Commentary Service that provides views and perspectives on current events.

janine@genderlinks.org.za for more information.