I don?t look back

I have not regretted the day I walked out of my marital home. I knew it was the right thing to do and I have never looked back. Today, I?m a happier woman for it.

I have not regretted the day I walked out of my marital home. I knew it was the right thing to do and I have never looked back. Today, I’m a happier woman for it.

My childhood was not very happy. I can remember being hungry often. My last year in primary school stands out for me especially because that was the year I found out my father was abusing my mother. At one point my mother left my father and we all lived in a two-roomed cottage – seven children plus my mother. It was so much of a struggle that my mother eventually went back to my father. But life went on and I grew up.

After two failed marriages I met Abdul. He was a bus inspector and we met on the bus he was working on. I used to admire the way he would bring the unruly youngsters to order. He was on the bus route I used for about three weeks, when suddenly I stopped seeing him. I discovered later that he had been fired because of his bad temper which resulted in a fight on the bus.

When I next saw him again, he looked very smart in a kurta and fez. He was driving a blue Chevrolet and offered me a lift which I declined. But he was persistent and he eventually persuaded me to take a lift from him one day after work. We got married after courting for two months. I was so happy.

It did not last long and things went bad very quickly. He was fired from his job two weeks after we were married. He was out of work for a while but eventually found a job as a manager in a factory. That year – 1983 – we spent Christmas in Port Elizabeth. The trouble started on our way back when he insisted on going to Cape Town to see his children. We had our first major fight in front of my children. The journey back home was awful. He kept picking on the children and when I told him to stop he drove recklessly and threatened to drive the car into a pole.

In January the next year I fell pregnant with my youngest daughter. That was one of the worst times of my life. Abdul would insist on having sex every night. Despite me telling him it was really painful he did not believe me. On one occasion, he forced himself on me and I fainted. The pain was unbearable. When I was six months pregnant he forced me to have sex again. I told him that if a man forcefully has sex with a woman, even if she is his wife, it is rape. He was so angry he smacked me across my face.

I was in such pain that I took a handful of pills and tried to end my life. I called my doctor to help me. I told him what had happened and said that instead of thinking of ending my life, I should think about ending my marriage! Abdul was furious. After this he accused me of having an affair with the doctor.

There were times when he was at work and he would phone me and ask what I was doing and who I was with. He would tell me that he loved me and missed me. At first I thought it was sweet and that he really must love me. Only as time went by did I realise that he was checking up on me and did not trust me. His violent and aggressive behaviour continued.

The turning point for me was when his violence turned on my children. A few days before the Muslim holy month, Ramadaan, he began to argue with my son Ismail. He was taking my daughter’s side in a spat between the children. My daughter was too young to understand what was going on. All she wanted was for her brother to cover her school books for her and he wasn’t being helpful. The next thing I knew Ismail had picked up a knife from the table and was holding it in his hand. I don’t remember clearly what happened next, but I told my daughter to go and call our neighbour to come and help us.

My daughter was so scared that she simply ran away. Abdul was hitting Ismail and I couldn’t get him to stop. By the time I came back with the neighbour, Abdul was punching my son in his face. All I could think was “how could a grown man hit a child like this.” I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. If it wasn’t for my neighbour stopping me, I surely would have stabbed him.

A few months after this, Abdul almost strangled me to death and threatened to kill me. One month later I took my children and walked out of that house and have never looked back. It has been 11 years since and my husband and I are divorced. My son aged 27 and my daughter, 20 live with me.

*Not her real name

This article is part of a special series of articles produced for the Sixteen Days of Activism Against Gender Violence Campaign.

This article is part of the GEM Opinion and Commentary Service that provides views and perspectives on current events.

janine@genderlinks.org.za for more information.