I still have a long way to go


Date: January 1, 1970
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I never thought I was a violent person until it was almost too late. I didn?t think that the odd slap or push was anything serious and in fact did this in my past relationships. In my township a man is regarded as being strong if you can ?discipline? a woman if you want her attention. I grew up with friends who thought there was nothing wrong in beating up a woman. But an incident earlier this year, which resulted in my wife having to go to hospital because I had stabbed her, has changed this. I do not have the words to tell her how sorry I am.

I never thought I was a violent person until it was almost too late. I didn’t think that the odd slap or push was anything serious and in fact did this in my past relationships. In my township – Diepkloof in Soweto, South Africa – a man is regarded as being strong if you can “discipline” a woman if you want her attention. I grew up with friends who thought there was nothing wrong in beating up a woman. But an incident earlier this year, which resulted in my wife having to go to hospital because I had stabbed her, has changed this. I do not have the words to tell her how sorry I am.
 
I’m 35-years old and have been married for one year and seven months. Realising the horrible effects of my behaviour on the woman that I love has been one of the most difficult challenges of my life. This realisation however, came at a price.
 
I had been out drinking with friends and came back around midnight when my wife wanted to know where I was coming from. Initially, I didn’t take the matter seriously and ignored her, thinking the conversation would not continue. I thought my wife had no right to question me about my whereabouts. As a man, I thought I could go out and nobody could ask me anything as long as I was back at home. Eventually, we got into a very heated argument.
 
We started fighting. I slapped her first and she retaliated. I kept on reminding her that I was the man in the house and didn’t expect anybody to question me in my own house. She told me that I didn’t take her seriously. I took out a knife from the kitchen drawer. At that stage she had went into the bathroom. I thought that she was running away from me. When she came out into the passage, I stabbed her in the neck. All I wanted to do when I stabbed her was to scare her off. But before I knew it, blood was all over the place. I take full responsibility for my. I had pushed and slapped my wife before:  but this – I never thought that it would go so far.
 
I only realised when I saw her bleeding profusely that I had seriously hurt her. I panicked and ran out to call a neighbour who was also my friend. My friend and two of my neighbours took my wife to the hospital. I could see that my neighbours were shocked about what I had done. They only spoke to my wife and ignored me. The only time we talked was when I gave them money for the doctor. Her blood shocked me. I felt so sorry. I decided to stay behind. I thought when we got to the doctor they would call the police and I will be arrested. The worst thought was that my wife was not going to survive.
 
I’m grateful, she survived the attack. To my surprise, she never reported me to the police. There are very few people who would not to lay a charge if they have been hurt so badly. My wife decided to stay with me after coming back from hospital. We are still together. We have talked about what happened. She told me of her shock at my actions. I have apologised over and over to her because I realised the pain I have caused her. I love my wife. Our relationship has improved. I have seen the importance of spending quality time with my wife.
 
I honestly believed that I really needed help. A man has to learn from his mistakes. When I shared experiences with the members of the Men’s Forum in Alexandra and went through counselling process, I realised that I had to change: for myself and my family. I now see manhood differently. I am a man because I love and respect my wife and family. I do not take them for granted anymore.
 
I was referred to ADAPT by my brother who knew that ADAPT runs a perpetrator programme with the aim of contributing towards rehabilitating violent men. I went through the counselling process and eventually joined the Men’s Forum. I know I still have along way to go. I cannot apologise enough to my wife whom I love dearly.
 
Maybe if I play a role in work towards ending violence against women, then this can be an act of paying tribute to my wife. She has contributed to me looking at life in a positive way. She has helped me to grow as a man.
 
I hope you will understand how I am hurting as I write this story. No real man can abuse people we claim to love. If you still believe in abusing women, take a minute to think about the sacrifices our mothers, sisters and wives made for us to lead better lives.
 
*Not his real name.
 
This article is part of a special series of commentaries on the Sixteen Days of Activism Campaign produced through the Gender Links Opinion and Commentary Service that provides fresh views on everday news.
 


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