Malawi: Bridal showers: farce or fact?


Date: September 13, 2012
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Blantyre, 13 September: A few weeks ago, I attended a friend’s birthday party. As is the unwritten rule of Malawian get-together-parties or gatherings of any sort patronised by both sexes, the men sat in a circle with a table of booze in the centre. They made sure that they were well away from where the women huddled together, watching the children, gossiping and sharing experiences.

Not surprisingly, the topic soon took a turn into what I have come to discover is someone’s idea of a hideous joke on womankind; bridal showers. Questions were thrown around; are they essential? Do they serve to empower or disempower brides to be? Why do speakers at bridal showers often give advice that they themselves never follow?

Why the hell do we allow each other to regurgitate the same old lies and give the same tired advice under the guise of “getting her ready for marriage” when we know, for a fact, that the information is untrue. We all know that such information will not solve any marital problems that might arise and will perpetuate the cycle of servitude in most Malawian marriages. More often than not, bridal showers leave the poor girl non-the wiser on real life challenges and how to deal with them?

For those not familiar with the term “bridal shower” in Malawi, it is customary to throw a function for the bride-to-be, often a week before her wedding. Selected female speakers offer advice on different things. Topics range from home management, grooming and etiquette, pleasing your husband, financial management and communication skills. Often times, the groom-to-be will come in to listen to the financial management bit. In other cases though, the man will not make an appearance at all.

Now, you will note that the sequence of events tells a story: women are not adequately equipped (or are not smart enough) to handle the family finances. You tell her about the cooking, cleaning, bed making and sexually satisfying her husband but when it comes to the money, bring out the man so we can talk to him while she listens. Then, after the “real talk” is over, let him walk out to take care of pressing matters while the womenfolk continue with their “chatter.”

A colleague who had been appointed to speak at a bridal shower once mentioned how, she wanted to advice the bride-to-be, “my dear, you are too young to get married. Your career has not yet taken off the ground, you do not know yourself well enough and are not confident in your own femininity yet to take on marriage. You need to learn, to live, to grow. Run!”

But, since she had been called on to talk about communication, she simply did her bit and sat down. She said her heart bled as the women ululated and the bride-to-be presented her with a gift for the advice she had given. She clearly knew she had only regurgitated the lies that everyone else expected to hear.

Some advisers will for example say something like; “you ought to cook for your husband and kids every day. Do not leave such duties to the maid or she will eventually snatch your man.”

I agree that it is essential to have a nice clean home and it is liberating to know that you can cook a good meal. However, when you are a working mom, with children aged five, three, and six months and have been kept up by the baby all night, should you not let the maid do some of the work while you catch up on the much needed rest?

Set foot at a bridal shower and you will most likely hear something of this sort, “if your husband is having an affair, do not ask him about it because he will be angry. Act as if everything is normal, cook his favourite meals and keep the home clean. Do not deny him sex. He will eventually feel guilty and end the affair. Remember, all men cheat.”

With the increase in infection rates of HIV and AIDS in Africa, is this really the best way of dealing with a philandering spouse? Should women sit back and “take it” until he tires of the woman he is seeing and moves on to the next one?

On home management, they will point out that you need to make some time for your home, which is all very good and true. But they will go on to say, “women spend too much time at bridal showers, engagements, weddings, social functions and the salon. As a result, you neglect your home and your men go out in search of fun and entertainment. You should learn to stay at home.”

If you ask married women why they pre-occupy themselves with social functions, they will most likely respond that their husbands are rarely home. They are usually out drinking with the boys, playing golf, networking among other things.”

“We get bored being home alone every weekend and try to keep ourselves busy and happy in means that are socially acceptable for married Malawian women. If our husbands were home-bodies, we would willingly spend our time at home too,” a group of women pointed out in reaction to similar advice at a bridal shower recently.

Clearly, it’s high time bridal showers evolved with the times. They should be a platform that is used to challenge stereotypes about how women spend their time, about building careers, protecting themselves from HIV and AIDS as well as discussing the signs of gender based violence in the home.

Should bridal showers not be abandoned in favour of send-offs, where both the bride and her groom are counselled? What purpose does it serve to teach a woman on hygiene, etiquette, lovemaking and rekindling romance if her husband is not advised on the same? Does this not perpetuate a culture where women give to their men with no reciprocation or appreciation from them?

Are bridal showers affirming patriarchy that we so need to detangle so that women and men enjoy a more equitable society? You decide!

Lerato Manyozo is a freelance journalist based in Malawi. This article is part of the Gender Links Opinion and Commentary Service, bringing you fresh views on everyday news.

 


10 thoughts on “Malawi: Bridal showers: farce or fact?”

Noma says:

For a while i thought this was bridal shower charade is only unique to Zimbabwe, but am disappointed that its a regional if not continental thing. I find them very irrelevant, highly pretentious and downright wrong. The advice given is not close to reality and the times we are living in. I feel they are platforms in which older women (who think they know it all) or Pastors wives continue to oppress other women.

Kenan Ng`ambi says:

People are tired of the same old lies at Bridal parties. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ruth says:

Bridal showers are actually an global event that have served very vital role at its infancy. I feel they are significant up to date but we need as women especially those that are heavily involved in women empowerment to continue to advocate for meaningful discussions that are relevant to current situations. Bridal showers whose content continue to talk about how The Woman should stay home and look after The Man are out dated. Times have changed and we have seen an increase in women taking a meaningful role in economic and political activities and diversion that we should have taken long back at these parties. Lets talk about how we balance work and home activities so that we do not end up abusing our children. At the same time lets encourage men to be more enlightened so that we create harmony in home based on respect not exploitation. To be honest men are enjoying the attention that they are getting even at the expense of the person they love. Its actually a comfort zone they would never want to lose.( who wouldn’t)Enlightened mothers when your daughter is about to wed take a major role in planning and ensuring the shower will be helpful. Lets be honest with each other and stop pretending that we are holding men with kid gloves in our homes just for people to look at us with assumed respect. Lets tell it as it will be experienced in a current situation. Just because I experienced the same when I wed in 1952(and it did not help)I must not begrudgingly pass it on to a someone wedding in 2012.

Themba says:

Finally! I know what goes on at those things. (Jokes). But seriously, these “events” are generally closed off to men and ironically the general perception is that although it is a party, it is preceded by sound motherly advice. It is interesting but disheartening to learn that this generally isn’t the case. I have actually noticed some of these traits (keeping silent while a man cheats or that he will be stolen from you if you don’t cook) in everyday life but never realised that bridal showers played a role in perpetuating some of these misconceptions. Now that we have identified an issue, what is a robust way forward? I am sorry to say – sometimes I feel like we, as civil society, are good at identifying issues but the eradication there-of seems to leave a lot be desired…

Tinotenda Hondo says:

There are too many things we do not say to young people when we send them off into life. That is a very very sad thing, in my view. The hardest thing as a young obedieny wife is looking at your self and your “perfect” ways (according to what they told you” and wondering why things are so messed up in your relationship anyway. Too many women spend too much time soul searching and wondering what is wrong with them – what do they need to change. Tormented by the pressure of trying to be the ideal we sell them at our parties.

Sophia Tlali says:

I personally would like to invite men to such showers or send offs, but in Lesotho the men and the women will sit in separate corners and there will be no meaningful discussion of any subject. Some woma will at some point placate the men with some statement like men are heads and let us all respect this important role. A woman who respects her husband is a happily married woman. No camp will discuss how to approach the other. Each will make sweeping statements that reinforce the stereotypes and no-one is brave enough to call the bluff off and stop the posturing.It has taken so long to realise that the only woman who is afraid of a man is one that never married one. Most of those women who say they are afraid of men and yet are married to them need to shake that off and be real. The advise I would give is the one someone else -a woman gave at a bridal shower that if your husband shows signs of being abusive, wait until he is totally asleep, wake up and just st looking at him do this for about three consecutive days and he will freak out.He will start thinking you plan to do something and when he expresses fear you can then ask him when the love flew out. Sounds childlike but that’s probably why it would work.

Lerato says:

Judging by the number of responses, I wrote on something that has been on a lot of people’s minds, thank you so much for your comments. Granted, marriage is as someone put it, a roller coaster, with thrilling highs and shocking lows and as a married woman, I know just how difficult and at times frustrating it can be to learn to live with someone who grew up in a completely different environment, which is why it is crucial that we revolutionalise bridal showers and offer practical advice to the young women getting married. We need to equip them with the amour they need to protect themselves, the skills to defend themselves and the logic to hold intelligent peace talks when love becomes a battlefield! But the question is

Susan Mogari says:

I was recently at a bridal shower and when i started to talk about HIV/AIDS, I was told not to spoil the party, and the reason I am not married is that I have the kind of thoughts in my mind. I was dissapointed because the women where mostly younger than me more educated than me working all of them. They will mostly need help of the nanny or home help but they do not want to talk about usage of a condom in a marraige they only wanted to talk about the sex they need to provide for their husbands because that is what they are getting married for.Men should not be part of the dialogue women need to equip themselves.

Mukwakwa Nester says:

Equally men need to be counselled on how to keep their marriages, it could be that lack of knowledge perpetuate their infidelity. There is no way the can be behaving like animal which lack reasoning and bring diseases in a home.

Make Dala says:

Bridal Showers are importart BUT, Most of the times even the event planners do not know what they are planning for, My Point is most of Bridal showers a being planned by a bridegrooms closest relative to which the start searching for speakers on the event, however the really do not know what to speak they just know how to speak with an audience.
Some of these topics are just to wide and and need strong points
so me of the topics are often the ones that a mum does with their girls at home and are not even important to be called a topic of discussion on an event. How ever The event at times doesnt even befit the name shower but sendoff party. where you friends and parents are just expressing happiness towards you

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