Real men don?t do violence

I really don?t know how to apologise to the people that I have harmed. Even though I know my actions were influenced by the violent society that I grew up in, it still doesn?t excuse the things that I did to my fellow African sisters. I have seen the agony and trauma that women experience when they are abused. I live with the guilt of having been an abusive man and I have vowed that never again shall I lift my fists to a woman or child. I have declared zero-tolerance on rape and all forms of violence.

I really don’t know how to apologise to the people that I have harmed. Even though I know my actions were influenced by the violent society that I grew up in, it still doesn’t excuse the things that I did to my fellow African sisters. I have seen the agony and trauma that women experience when they are abused. I live with the guilt of having been an abusive man and I have vowed that never again shall I lift my fists to a woman or child. I have declared zero-tolerance on rape and all forms of violence.

My name is Sibongiseni Mngomezulu. I was born in 1972 and grew up in Alexandra, a township outside of Johannesburg. I come from a very traditional Zulu family which has great respect for African culture and taught me that a man is the head of the household.

I’m a writer and director of Immaculate Theatre Production, a theatre company that deals specifically with social issues including women and child abuse. I am also an ex-abuser. I was directly involved in many forms of abuse including rape, assault and verbal abuse. I behaved that way with a clear conscience – because of peer pressure; the violent society that surrounded me and what I thought were my cultural beliefs.

But when I was growing up I misunderstood the Zulu culture that preached that a man is the head of the house. I saw women as sex objects and my punching bags, not at all what my culture taught. I believe that a lack of positive role models also contributed to my cruel behaviour.

My older brothers and friends told me that I must use power to show that I’m a real man, and I shouldn’t allow a woman to challenge me. I learnt that it was humiliating if a woman defeated a man. I became very aggressive towards women so that I could “protect” my dignity.

Even at school, I was a problematic child, often involved in fights and was violent towards the girls. My teachers would frequently punish by suspending me several times in the hope that I would learn my lesson. But their efforts were in vain and I went from bad to worse.

Not everyone was like my friends and I. There were some boys in our community and at school who were different from us. They respected women and were not abusive. But they too became victims because we thought they were weak and not real men. We would call them sissies and harass their girlfriends.

There was also pressure from girls as many girls hero-worshipped violent boys because they could protect them from boys like us. To me it seemed that our lives required that we be violent to be accepted, both by boys and girls.

In our township there was a saying – “beauties are for the braves”. In other words, you must be brave and strong to have beautiful woman at your side. If you are macho then no one will mess with your girlfriend. I believed that every boy needed a beautiful girl – I acted like a monster because I wanted recognition from my friends and beautiful girls.

Fortunately, as time went by I slowly changed my behaviour. This change was not influenced by stricter law enforcement or by a single life changing event. Rather change in my life happened gradually as I took part in art and cultural activities in the early 1990s.

In 1992 I became involved in stage drama that dealt with issues of political violence, tribal discrimination and domestic violence. My roles were mostly that of a perpetrator of violence. I became good artistically because I was portraying a character that reflected my reality. I enjoyed portraying bad characters because I could easily relate to them.

Our work used the stage and video to address issues of violence. I also travelled a lot as a performer. I went to England, Holland, Sarajevo and other European countries and many African countries.

My travels gave me the opportunity to experience different lifestyles and cultures. I remember how surprised I was in England to see how men treated women with respect. I saw how different it was where I came from and felt very bad. In my own community, women were oppressed; not treated as equals and denied opportunities.

My achievements as an artist meant that I became popular in society and young people began to see me as a role model. For the sake of my dignity and the young boys who looked up to me I knew that I had to change my ways. I knew that I had something to contribute to society through my work, and I did not want to waste it.

As South Africa transformed during the mid-1990s, so did I. As the nation celebrated our human rights and made ending violence against women and children a priority, I did too. I know that women have tasted the bitter fruit of oppression even more than men. They were oppressed both as Africans by the apartheid government, and by their men.

A real man means being a good friend and husband. It means being caring and emotionally strong for those you love. Knowing this and understanding my culture better – understanding that being a man does not mean being violent towards women – has given me the courage to challenge any man or boy who thinks that being abusive towards women is ok. It’s not ok, and every real man should stand up and say so.

This article is part of a special series of articles produced for the Sixteen Days of Activism Against Gender Violence Campaign.

This article is part of the GEM Opinion and Commentary Service that provides views and perspectives on current events.

janine@genderlinks.org.za for more information.