Rejected because of my HIV status


Date: November 24, 2010
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My name is Ayanda* and I live in Newcastle in northern KwaZulu-Natal. I am a 27-year-old single mother, and I can now say without hesitation that I am HIV positive. It still does sound a bit strange when I say it because I never in my life thought that I might be in this situation. I found out when my “boyfriend” and I decided to go for testing at our local clinic. I cannot explain the way I felt that day when I saw the results. It was in the afternoon when I did the test when they first result can out, I remember falling on the floor and grabbing the councillor. The poor lady asked how many lines I saw on the testing device; I looked closely and with shock and told her I saw one. I was lying because the other line was a bit faint and I did not want to believe it.

I just told myself that it was a mistake because the last two tests I did came back negative and there was no way that I could be positive. Besides that I was not sleeping around with many partners. I had not been in a relationship since I had broken up with my previous boyfriend, who I had been involved with for a year without any sexual contact. To convince my disbelief, we did another test and it also came back positive. I came out of the testing ward and my boyfriend was there, but I could not tell him because I knew exactly how he felt about the issue. I just kept a straight face and pretended everything was OK. I must be a great actress as he did not suspect anything.

I went home and told my Mom. Luckily she is a nurse and she works for a private company that rolls out treatment for HIV and AIDS. More than anything she hugged me and told me that she does not love me any less. I was relived because at that moment those were the words I needed to hear from her. I thought to myself that on the home front I was covered as my support system was solid. My first night as an HIV positive person was a bit of hell because I kept asking myself questions I could not answer. “How is it possible, why now, why me, how can this happen because I have been a good girl?” A month has gone by and I feel a bit numb even though I have seen a psychologist.

In these counselling sessions they tell you that you must take things slowly, and that everything is going to be ok. I respect that they are supposed to say that as it is part of their job, but I wish that there could be a part where they tell me how to deal with everyday life issues. I am talking about the feeling of knowing that your life will never be the same again. I had a dream of having a normal life just like everybody else. Right now I am dealing with the fact that my “boyfriend” who is now more like an ex-boyfriend, has rejected me. It pains me because when I found out about my status he was there, he said he would support but as time went by his actions have told a totally different story. He is the first person who has made me feel rejected, even though he made a promise to be there. We even went for counselling together with the hope of fixing our dying relationship.

The problem I have with the HIV and AIDS issue is that, as much as people say they have moved from the stereotyping mindset, they have not. In the matters of love relationships I ask myself what brings two people together, is it love or HIV? If it is love then both parties should be able to withstand the challenges that come with the relationship. What makes me very mad is that if he was the one that was HIV-positive I would have been expected to play a supportive role. Another thing that annoys me is that we as women are expected to endure whatever difficulties we face in relationships better than men, just because the Almighty God gave us the nurturing role in society. There are many men who are HIV positive and are supported by their partners, who are HIV negative. Right now with me and him it is a case of a relationship that has lost its flame just because of a virus. What also comes into mind is that maybe he could have accepted the situation better if I was diagnosed with cancer, high blood pressure or diabetes. What difference does it make because these are chronic diseases? When I went for my CD4 count test the doctor said I am fine at the moment, and I do not qualify for ARV’s. The only thing I have to do is take good care of me by leading a healthy lifestyle.

The saying that says “never say never” is true because you never know when something like this might happen to you. At the moment I am battling with the fact that if I get into a relationship with somebody I really like, I should disclose my status. This is something I am definitely not looking forward to, as I might be discriminated against. Especially in this society that still thinks that if you are HIV positive you must have been promiscuous, you are a walking corpse and you are dirty or totally different. If one is not careful things that people say out here, could make you go downhill, depending on how strong you are. Right now I am feeling fine, but I do get relapses now and again. What I also know is that I have to move forward with a positive attitude and be strong, not only for my daughter but for myself.

*Not her real name.

 

 


50 thoughts on “Rejected because of my HIV status”

Sarah says:

Hello I understand what you are going through since I went through a similar experience. My boyfriend wanted to take the relationship to the next level and start having kids and we decided to test before. The worst part is I asked what would happen if one of us is positive and he reassured me saying there are alternative ways nowadays. However, when the results came he was negative and said he needed some space after a while he asked if I was sure that I did not know that I was positive. I have never heard from him since so I eventually stopped texting him.

Roscoe says:

I know the feeling sister and everything you said is true, my girlfriend dumped me, she kept me hanging being ok with my status and suddenly becomes an issue of infecting her, I didn’t ask for this and I know I would’ve been expected to accept it if it was her

Nana says:

I know the feeling.. My boyfriend of 1 year 3 months suddenly suggested we become intimate 2 days I go.so I thought I should be honest and disclose my status. At first he hugged me and told me he stills loves me and nothing has changed. But his actions tell a different story. He’s been avoiding me. I hate to say this but I feel rejected by him and it’s the worst feeling ever.

Nana says:

I know the feeling.. My boyfriend of 1 year 3 months suddenly suggested we become intimate 2 days ago.so I thought I should be honest and disclose my status. At first he hugged me and told me he stills loves me and nothing has changed. But his actions tell a different story. He’s been avoiding me. I hate to say this but I feel rejected by him and it’s the worst feeling ever.

Khanyisile says:

I can safely say that I know how you are feeling. I tested late last year and my result came back pos. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 4 months. It happened that on our first night, I did not disclose (not because I didn’t want to and I know how unfair this was on my part but it happened and I felt really bad). I only disclosed to him the next day and he was able to get on PEP.

He blatantly told me that he wanted to deal with this in his own way which I totally understand considering how I disclosed to him. He tried to be nice at first but I guess reacted differently later on. I was ok with it though it hurts but I think it is only normal for some people to react (reject you/us) this way considering how stigmatized this virus is in society. To every young person living with HIV, my message is that, it is never easy to disclose and it is different with everyone. HIV needs a lot of understanding and awareness so that people are more accepting of it. I recently learnt that you can actually live beyond it and go after your dreams like everybody else. It is no longer a death sentence. Teach yourself more about it and it will be a lot easier. It was only after this incident with him that I started researching more about HIV that I got to learn that our health system is trying to normalize the lives of people living with the virus. Do not batter yourself too much about getting rejected. Chances are they were never for you in the first place and are not necessarily rejecting you but the virus. The right person for you will come along. There are so many mixed couples (neg+pos) nowadays who are in loving and happy relationships only because our health fraternity is doing the best it can to support people who are living with this virus.

Jenny says:

Excuse me for my English language, I am still learning. I met a really nice guy last year December, everything is going on perfect but I haven’t told him that I am HIV positive..I tried to introduce the topic but he was not so much interested, I asked him if he knows that nowadays people can be married, have children despite being HIV positive, he told me that the whole topic is a serious topic. So, talked to my doctor, she is a very nice lady and she is willing to talk to him on my behalf, she will explain to him everything that he needs to know…I know he will be shocked, maybe he will be disappointed too. Fingers crossed. Tomorrow he will meet my daughter for the first time, he has also expressed the idea of having a family with me.
By the way, I am a mother to HIV negative daughter, she is 9 years old, my ex-husband is HIV negative too

Take me as I am says:

Its a really sad and painful feeling. I recently faced rejection as well early July this year after being in a relationship for almost 4 years. At first we became friends back in 2014 during that period I had open up to him and told him about my HIV status. Later on we developed feelings for each other since then we made it work only until this year . when he broke up with me he told me he has fear of being with me because of my HIV status. You can imagine how that affected me. All these years this man helped me build my confidence then drops me down again to start all over. To feel worthless again. I still think it would have been better if he said he no longer loves me but he keeps telling me he loves and cares for me just this HIV thing he feels he can’t have a future with me. My only prayer now is to heal get read of the depression thoughts and hopefully get a man who is also HIV positive and build a home with him. I know I was meant to be someone’s wife

Grey says:

I know the feeling. I recently got rejected because of my status. When i told him he seemed understanding(now i realise it was just a front). It was out of pity.

I visited him a week after disclosure. He seemed okay with it. But when i touched him, he got no erection. Thats when i got the message. I didnt cry infornt of him. I told him i understood. I convinced myself that he needed time.

He then asked me to visit him again. We had fun, everything was okay this time. Until recently on the day of our last exam. We were supposed to go out. He didnt call me. I asked if we were still meeting up. He said he doubted it. He came to my flat and asked for all his belongings(his jacket and his ID) and told me “Im sorry, but I cant get your status off my mind, see you when i see u”
I have never felt so used and rejected in my life.
The issue is not him dumping me, its the reason he dumped me for

I was coping with my status but this has been a major satback.

lindah says:

My bf and I dated for two years and few months ago he seemed very srs and wanted to marry so he asked if we could go for test but I decided to disclose my situation before the test ever since then he told me I can’t date someone who is HIV so you want me to get infected that’s what he said to me I was hurt honestly I never thought he would say this to me up to now I’m still hurt he even blocked me on whatsupp so today I called him and he said who is this it pains me so much I love him a lot and I’ve been through a lot for the sake of our love and this status of mine is was born that way I didn’t want it

Alvin says:

Hey I’m a Father with aids of 3 teens and my girlfriend of vyf years also AIDS + have just Left me and said she have move on so I no what you are going through so I don’t no what or where to start picking up the pieces any help?

Same case happened to me…when the other partner is negative,s/he will stick around because of pity and not love….finally they will run away….positive should just marry positive
No problem one day a cure will be found

Nokuthula says:

Me too i met a guy when i disclose to him said he was ok then his action started changing towards me so i decided ill give him space amd spend time with myself

Martha says:

Even myself for the first I tested with my boyfriend I fell like is the end of the world , cause I find myself having a disease. I was crying and I wanted to kill myself.but now I’m strong and I take good care of myself .every scare has its own story. Today I’m proud of myself cause I can tell about my status

Nongcebo says:

I was born with HIV and i happened to disclose my status early in the relationship , he seemed to be fine with it. He supported me in every way such that i really thought we were going to get married someday. However after dating for 1 year 5 months , he started having complaints about his fears for getting infected by me and he said i will infect his kids with my HIV if i happen to bear him children so he cant continue with the relationship. I am deeply hurt and the words he said to me keep on repeating in my ears.

Tashy says:

I’m inlove with a guy who hiv negative and I iam hiv positive bt he is still inlove with his ex girlfriend and now we are married the problem is I want to have children what can I do because he is inlove with his baby mama

Dikeledi says:

Hi there I’ve been staying with my boyfriend for 4 years which is mu husband now, he took out lobola for me in 2018, after that in 2020 much I got sick very sick I was loosing weight, no appetite n he took me to the hospital where I was diagnosed with TB N HIV, now he dumped me at hospice for 4 month, I got discharged n he took me to my Aunts place, he is now rejecting me n he doesn’t want to go to test, n I heard rumors that, his first girlfriend died of HIV n aids, I want to open a case of deserting me while um sick n I need help cause he is now divorcing me I want to know my rights

Simpho says:

Hi ladies. Am not a good writer but please try and read, this is my story. I’ve been dating this guy 3 months now and I recently found out that I was HIV positive so he also went to check and he was negative. At first he seemed to be ok with me being infected for a month to be exact, I could see he was trying to be there for me but eventually he changed after a month bare in mind I did not see me for weeks he kept saying that he was having problems at home and I understood so I left for work for a few days now everything was fine he kept calling as usual but when I told him I was coming back he changed again and he ended up calling things off with me saying that it’s not because of my status it’s just that he doesn’t feel like he felt when he met me🥺 and that he loves me so much when am not around him but when am with him he just wants me to leave, and that really broke my heart 💔cause I really liked the guy and it had been a long time that I let anyone really love me and he did love me but after this am not so sure anymore and I did not know what to think I still don’t know what to make of this.

teraz says:

i finally told a guy on the first date! phone calls he really liked me..now no calls! oh well his loss! I told him early on because he was making plans. To meet his family! was the first time in 3 years i told any guy! I.m a good woman and if I have to be alone so be it.

naomi nxopo says:

I’m sitting in tears after reading all your comments because I met a guy in 2019 online and we been making plans to meet. I recently told him that I am HIV positive….although shocked he was understanding or so I thought. I told him that if he decided to leave I would not hold it against him as I myself struggled to come to terms with my diagnosis. He said he was not going anywhere and we agreed not to talk about it anymore and focus on loving each other. I felt good that he loved me regardless of my status. Everything was fine until today 16 January 2021.

The guy is unemployed and wanted to come to my city and stay with me while looking for a job and I agreed since I have my own house…car and I am permanently employed. He used to work but because of covid 19 the company he worked for closed down. January is a rough month for us all so I asked him if he had money to travel to my city and he said yes but that was before I disclosed. Thursday we spoke and I told him to buy the bus ticket already for his journey on Sunday. He seemed all calm and understanding and said he is low on cash but will make a plan. Yesterday he told me he couldn’t get the money but would definitely get it today Saturday. I told him that because we met online I didn’t feel comfortable paying for his bus ticket unlike if it was our second time to meet and he understood. Today I texted him wishing him luck in getting the bus fare and all was well although I was a bit suspicious because he read my text and only responded hours later which was very unusual.

Later on today I tried to check up on him only to find that he has blocked me from his social media accounts . I’m shocked because this is the guy who was ready to start a future with me and told me that his love for me was unconditional. Did he just try to scam me I I don’t know because he has never asked me for a dime before. We exchanged home addresses of each other and contact numbers of each other’s family members just incase we can’t reach each other but I don’t see the need to call because he deliberately blocked me. I really did fall for him eventhough I had reservations about his unemployment status because I am a single mom of four kids. PLEASE tell me what just happened there because I m lost.

Dialia says:

I have a boyfriend and we have dated for 6 years now im afraid to reveal my status to him .. im afraid now this comments are making me scared even more.. what if he leaves me and treat me as hell .. should i drop the relationship myself? Someone help me here .. is revealing this big secret a good idea? I will hate myself if get rejected my esteem will be low .. i need an advice .. i started of like a joke by asking him what he would do if he finds out that one of us is affected he said that he will accept the fact and know how to deal with the situation.. i asked if he would judge and leave he said he can’t do that since it’s not a big deal he said that mature people sit and talk then solve the situation.. but according to this comments i see the same thing happening bitter truth hurts id rather leave than stay and experience feelings

Gina says:

I’ve been dating the guy for 5 years now and I don’t know how to disclose my status to him,it’s eating me alive because I try imagine what he’d say or how he’d respond to it all, after reading all these comments I’m so scared I really don’t know what to do however I do feel like he deserves to know his been good to me throughout but I’m scared of rejection or how he’d look at me after finding out will I still be the woman he says he wants to marry it’s so stressful and reading all these comments just makes me more nervous I don’t what to do

Brittany says:

I was getting to know this guy for a year and a half and we became very close. I tested positive for hiv 4 years ago but I’m in treatment so I have a undetectable viral load. I didn’t disclose my status to him right away because I knew there was no risk in me transmitting the virus. When we first began having sex I would always put a condom on him but it would either break because he was very well endowed or he’d seem not as aroused with it on. It gave me the impression that he was used to having unprotected sex and we eventually stopped using condoms all together. He had already told me he was negative and that he just felt comfortable enough with me to not use protection. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong about his assumption of me but I’d never disclosed my status to any guy before and I was terrified of his reaction or rejection. The more we got to know eachother the harder it became to tell him about my hiv because I’d become attached to him. I finally told him about my positive status a month ago and he initially took it very well. He said he didn’t blame me for what I did and that he took responsibility for his part in having unprotected sex. I told him about my undetectable viral load and how it meant he wasn’t at risk but I still insisted that he get tested to know for sure. He did mention that if his results came back negative that he might be skeptical about having sex after but he didn’t wanna lose me as a friend. It took him weeks to go get tested, when he finally did his results came back negative. So of course now he wasn’t trying to have sex with me anymore. I tried apologizing for my dishonesty, making every kind of plea in hopes that he would change his mind. He said if I’d told him about my status early on he’d probably be more willing to try. I tried explaining to him just how hard it is to disclose your hiv status especially for the very first time but like most hiv negative people they don’t understand how shameful it can make you feel. Once I expressed my feelings for him and how I didn’t wanna lose him he said he wanted me in his life regardless but the relationship has basically dissolved in a matter of weeks. His feelings towards me clearly have changed. I’m completely heartbroken about it. I’d really grown to love this guy and I regret not being honest from the beginning. Maybe he would have still excepted me? But I also know that most people won’t even get to know you when they know your positive so with him I wanted to have a opportunity for him to see beyond my hiv. That ended up being my downfall tho and knowing what I know now I’d rather have told him in the beginning and took my rejection before I actually fell for him.

Anne says:

I’m so glad I came across this coz I’m going through the same thing and I’ve been contemplating what exactly to do. I guess I’m going to just have to get over him.

Adeyemi says:

Why they don’t want to get the cure for this hiv because this thing have Damaging lot of things

Tsholo says:

Well I met my boyfriend 3months back, we so inlove and we love spending time together most of the time but the problem is that I’m hiv positive and haven’t told him. Most hurting part is that we have never used protection I’m so sad and disappointed to myself even hate myself, not that I haven’t tried to play safe with him but at that time I wasn’t ready to disclose my status because I wasn’t sure if he’s the one because of rejection. I’m so scared to tell him very much scared and I would love to tell him at the very same time I suspect that I might be pregnant

Neo says:

Am met this guy for a year now, I told him about my status yesterday, he don’t want to believe me,he also don’t want to go for test,as believe he can’t be infected,am scared I don’t know what will happen nest

Anonymous says:

I also found out during one of my pregnancy visits that I am positive. I came back disclosed to my boyfriend of two years and he was disappointed and shocked too. He went for testing and came back negative. He started being distant,he was scared I’m going to infect him too. I’m now on ARVs and my cd4count is great my viral load is undetected my baby is negative. But the father is trying just for the sake of the baby. He says he loves me but he can’t keep using condoms with me. He wants a normal life. We are both over 40 but he still is very much active sexualy. He wants a normal life. I feel useless and see no reason to leave anymore since I am now rejected. I have 3kids to raise alone for the rest of my life coz I don’t see myself being in a relationship after this one.it is so sad to have to be alone coz no one wants you anymore

Mpilo says:

Hi

My name is Mpilo. I am living with HiV since 2009 Sept to be exact. I am very beautiful and sexy if I may say so myself. I am living a very healthy lifestyle. I met my partner in 2019 and disclosed my status 6 months in a relationship, I kept on postponing disclosing until the condom broke and I had no choice but to tell him. He was heart broken, mad at me and disappointed and dumped me. I told him that I accept and understood that it was not easy for him. Fast foward we got back together and we r staying together now with my step son. (The 3 of us) but we get intimate maybe once in 3 months. He doesnt touch me, he doesnt kiss me but we share the bed.

Everything else is well and good but we sleep as friends almost everyday. I stopped initiating bcs he wud say no an wud sleep heart broken. I am sharing tears writing this bcs I love this guy but deep down I know this is rejection in a very different way. I sometimes forget my status but when I think of what is happening in this house my heart pains as if I was diagnosed yesterday. So many times I asked if we see a professional he said a flat No he doesnt want us to involve a 3rd person he will deal with this his own way.

I am dying a slow painful death bcs our relationship looks so perfect but I am being rejected every day.

Lady s says:

As we speak have a two month old baby i just got rejected for my status yesterday im torn apart but guess i have tobe strong for my son Hiv is not a life sentence it’s a way of teaching us to leave a positive life and to everyone whose leaving with the virus im proud abt us guys especially since were taking care of our selfs so that we fight the spread of the virus even though it hurts being rejected for doing that.

Mpumi says:

I disclosed my status this morning to my boyfriend of 3months, we haven’t been intimate so I wanted to disclose before it got to that.i kind of regret telling things have changed already, I am so in live with this guy but I guess I have no choice but to get over him, but it hurts so much i am crying even now

Nadia robin says:

I am now on that condition .because I told my boyfriend I am hiv positive he said why I didn’t tell him at first .he it’s ok I love u so much .and I understand u because I have sister who is positive.at fist I thought he really understand me but he’s action is different .he doesn’t answer my call or my message .guys I feel miserable I keep crying and ask my self why I told him .what I decide never fall in love because people like us it’s hard to get someone who can love us in this condition .unless we got someone who is sick like us .but for after this rejection I feel like I am dying like first day I found out about my status.

Bruce says:

I understand most of the comments here about rejection and shame and I really get how most people feel like this after disclosing and people decide to distance themselves one way or the other. I recently found out my gf was taking Meds as I was looking for something in her bedroom. All along she didn’t bother to tell me that she’s positive.

For me this is where rejection begins, most people in these kind of shoes don’t want to maintain any further relationship because of broken trust and lack of transparency in something that is just as critical as life itself. I wondered how someone who says they love me would not want me to be safe and just keep me in the dark like that.

Reading most comments here and pondering on my own situations I realised that the break down in relationships is a result of other factors like the ones I mentioned above and disclosure becomes the catalyst. If I’d known beforehand I would have probably dealt with this differently and probably committed to staying. However, knowing that you’ve been lied to for over a year and not even once did someone think of protecting you or giving you the liberty to choose for yourself is somewhat betrayal that most people can’t get over.

The main protagonist is obviously disclosure but the real reasons lie behind factors surrounding the whole situation. I wish everyone life and life in abundance. God bless

Motswedi says:

Bruce…almost same situation. Or if I may say…same sentiment about how you feel. We met on Tinder November 2020. Hooked up,had unprotected sex on our first date. I went back for more. Consumed by ill discipline,weed addiction,…it never crossed my mind to use protection. Well I have a history of not using condoms because of a porn induced erectile dysfunction which has been very embarrassing. She even insisted that we have anal sex at times. She indicated to me that she wanted to WHOLLY SATISFY me. Then one night I went through her cabinet. Then boom. I found her ARVs. Didn’t say a word to her. I went to a friend working on a HIV prevention programme. He gave me PEP….of which it was too late since I passed 72 hours post exposure. He gave me a home kit. Then I suggested the need to test. She told me I should go to my ‘doctor’s..and she will go to hers. Another red flag. I ignored. But I continued with her. Slept all the time without a condom. I thought I was invisible…No.. I took advantage of the PEP. Couple that with the fact that she was laid off at work due to the pandemic…wit two boys to feed…I had a soft spot for He in my heart. She was a mystery. Then one night at my place we tested. Mine was negative…hers was two lines..with one line blurry. Her explanation: “That’s what they found out at de clinic when I tested. Then they give me the ARVs because they were not sure of my results”. White lies. She asked: “Do you have any problems with my status??” . Me:”No”. I lied!. Then we continued…Her kids met my kids during Christmas holidays….the kids got along well together. We fought. Two occasions in front of the kids. My regrets. But we continued. Then out of one of those fighting experiences she forget to put back her son’s meds which she accidentally took out when she was leaving…actually she wanted to leave during one of our fights. And I didn’t even care if she left. Cos in de back of my mind I have already been betrayed. But…we continued! As I write this she’s 8 months pregnant and I dont want to have anything to do with her. I’m so confused. I’m trying to quit weed and my porn addiction. Iam not planning to neglect my child which she is carrying…But I don’t want her as a partner. I feel like I wasn’t myself to be in such a situation. But I want to do the right thing.

Thandi says:

Reading the comments has given me so much anxiety. I recently got in a relationship with someone who was a longtime friend of mine . He asked me to be in a relationship with him, and as a result I decided to disclose I am HIV positive. He was shocked and hurt but he said he still wants to persue a relationship with me. I am falling for him but I can tell his having a difficult time accepting my status. His behavior has not changed towards me but he sometimes tells me his hurt by my status because I am a good person and I didn’t deserve to be infected. I really like him and I want to know how I can better help support him in dealing with the fact I am HIV positive

*Sidenote
I’ve learnt its always better to disclose your status very early into a relationship. It makes things easier for everyone involved. It’s frustrating that HIV positive people are burden with disclosing their status when other people don’t even know their status. But unfortunately knowing your status comes with that responsibility

Aretha says:

I am staying in joburg but from eastern cape I meet the guy this year mid August and we dated on the third month he found out that I am on hiv treatment, but we were using protection though but he said he needs time to to accept the situation until I went to his place I found him with another woman I was so hurt I wish he told me by that time that he can not carry on dating with me I was sobbing in side and and smack him once I wish he told me that he can’t carry on with me I was not going to blame him its his choice and body.

Owethu Mdluli says:

I feel you sister,my boyfriend also rejected me when he was starting to initiate sex, I wanted to come out about my status before doing the deed.When I told him he acted okay and said he understands but after that,the relationship went cold and he became distant and eventually we broke up.I know that he ran because of my status.it hurts daily to know that a person I loved wholeheartedly would just reject me like that.Worse part I was born HIV positive and I’ve forgiven my Parents but I still feel very different from other girls out there because of my status. My boyfriend leaving me just made my self esteem plummet to the ground.

Mpilo says:

@Bruce, honestly your situation is different here. I don’t think she wud blame you for anything here.
Non disclosure until a person finds out is different from disclosing and then a person runs away or change behaviour are two different things. I am sorry that I had to go through so much for no reason

Mpilo says:

You had

Lillian says:

I recently found out I’m HIV+ while we did a home test with bf. I met him 2 months ago & we were having unprotected sex. Even though I wasn’t sure about his commitment since it was too early, I wasn’t comfortable about his lack of communication when he’s not with me, there’ll be delayed responses & unanswered calls. When I complained about his behaviour, he argued I don’t remember but I apologised. I realised when he’s with me his phone is on silent & far 4m him. I tried to end the relationship twice bcoz of red flags but he has a way of arguing his case & I get deafeted. Xmas & New Year we spent it together, he cooked for us.He invited me to his house for dinner. While he was busy cooking & chatting, he went to his bedroom & came with hiv test home kits. I was shocked bcoz this came out of no where without discussing. When I asked, he said come we’d take a test & I’ll start with you & opend the packets.He tested himself. As we waited, I saw the faint 2nd line 4m mine, I started to feel numb inside my tummy. He exchanged our test devices so that we can read each other’s results. He was -ve & mine +ve. My world came to an end as I was staring at mine. All the info that I’ve HIV/AIDS vanished. I cried, I cried but not screaming just tears flowing. He comforted me & told me that he’ll support me, it’s just that he wanted us to know our status. I couldn’t eat but he insisted that I eat. I chewed the food not feeling the taste, but I’d to comment that the diner was nice since he kept on asking me & saying I don’t appreciate. He asked to slee over his place as he wouldn’t want me to be by myself at my place. He told me we’d take this one step at a time & wait b4 we reveal to other ppl. 1st step was to go to do the proper test by the doctor. We went to bed & slept, I didn’t I was up. In the morning he asked me to perform oral sex on him. I did, I wanted the pain to go away & be like we’re leaving in the previous days b4 testing. He came on top of me & took off my pyjama pant, I tried to stop him. We had unprotected sex.He told me wants to be with me & the reason he did unprotected sex was to show me how much he loves me & don’t care if he risk. The same tendency of not being available or delayed responses continued until I realised I’ve to wait for him to talk to me. Its been 2 weeks now & we haven’t had sex since then or sleep in the same bed. What he does now is to monitor my social media activities & comment privately. If I’m going out with friends, he rather drive from where he’s to pick me up 4m home to the venue & collect me, then he goes back to his place.Kisses when we meet now are baby kisses.I’m used not to get good byes at night. In the mornings he’d send praising msgs of how beautiful I’m & I’m in his mind. I feel trapped bcoz I think if he knows I’m +ve & accept me, as this will be different with other new encounters if I leave him. When again I complained about his communication & unavailability when I need him. He wrote a long msg telling me he also needs space & he’s trying to think about his situation of maybe contracted. I felt guilty, I apologised. He said we’d talk about my complaint but we never, I feel scared of him or being rejected if I bring the topic or complain too much. We’re waiting for his nxt test in 3 – 6 weeks. I pray that he’s not contracted. I can sense our relationship won’t last forever but I’m hanging by the thread. I want to give him a chance, even though I feel he’s rejecting me but he’s not sure. I never felt so vulnerable in my adult life. I’m intelligent, strong & professional woman but my diagnosis blusterd my confidence. I feel like jumping the ship but again I’m think what if he needs time to process his situation & may accept me. But there are red flags that I picked up & in which he may used my status in his favour, that he took me in with all the risks I carry. I sound desperate. I pray that God can give me strength & guide me.

Londiwe says:

Hi everyone. I am reading your comments and I’m sad for several reasons, one being that so many of you have decided to live with the burden of hiding your statuses and I am sorry that the would we live in has brought you to that point. I’m positive myself and have been for about 6 months now. Last week I went for my six month check up and I officially have an undetectable viral load. I was open about my status a month after my diagnosis. As a matter of fact I posted it on my whatsApp status because I didn’t want to live with the burden of keeping such a huge secret. Also, I wanted to take control of my life and destiny. I went on Tinder recently and I also posted on my profile that I’m positive because I wanted someone who would come into my life by choice knowing my status because the truth is hiding your HIV status from a potential partner is a lie. I know we are told to disclose when we are ready and what have you but I think when you are a person you need to take into account the type of community you live in. Fact is HIV is still very much stigmatised and we live in a society where no matter how much of a player a guy is he still wants to marry or date a blemish free woman and HIV is associated with being promiscuous. People seldom associate an HIV infection with one partner. They often think you were sleeping around and got the virus and that your infection is a punishment for your bad behaviour which is far from the truth.

The point I am trying to make here is that we speak of protecting ourselves from rejection by not disclosing and some say they didn’t see a need to disclose because they were on their medication and knew they wouldn’t infect the other person etc. But the fact is a lie is a lie. Someone was dishonest with you and thats why you are positive that doesn’t mean you have to do the same to someone else. You cannot build trust from a lie even if you lied to protect yourself a lie is a lie and eventually it will backfire.

When I say we need to take the sort of society we live in into account I mean whether we like it or not society expects women to be blameless. Innocent. Pure. Perfect. So dearest lady do yourself a favour and protect yourself by being honest with your status. How is this a form of protection you may ask? It’s protection in that as a woman society already places so much burden on you that it’s also your prerogative to protect yourself where you can by taking charge of who says and thinks what about you. By disclosing your status you are taking ownership and responsibility for your life, you are making a choice at who comes into your life and that is people who are willing to accept you as you are including your HIV status and not leaving yourself to be at someone else’s mercy. You are protecting yourself from being ill treated because of your status. Just because you are HIV positive doesn’t mean you don’t have a choice. Many of you seem to be willing to accept any man that comes into your life just because you’re HIV positive and you are lying to keep them which is not a good move whether you’re positive or negative.

You can be HIV positive and still be single by choice. I am saddened by how we as women continue to let our relationship statuses define us. Married. Single. Childless or whether you gave birth to boys or girls only. Guys please lets stop. Life is difficult enough without us having to put so much pressure on ourselves to be a certain way before society. Had you not been positive you would be battling whether you’re wife material or not and bending over backwards to prove that you are. You are not single because you are HIV positive you are single because of the type of society we live in and its expectations of as because we are women and so it’s always important that we always care and protect ourselves as women not by lying but being transparent and being the best versions of ourselves even in the face of adversity.

I can assure you right now that had it not been our HIV statuses that are bringing us down, had we been negative we would be writing about how sad it is that we are unmarried or single at a particular age. Guys we need to start understanding the world we live in and not put so much pressure and burdens on ourselves to meet so many societal pressures. There is a guy here who wrote about erectile dysfunction as a result of porn addiction. Porn for men is such a normal and expected thing but if you hear a woman has a porn addiction you will frown upon this. The point I’m trying to make is that as women we are expected to be a particular way and anything less is unacceptable. So lets protect ourselves from life’s disappointments by staying honest even when it’s the hardest thing to do.

Guys lets start loving ourselves more whether we are positive or not. I know God designed us to be very accepting and understanding and we want this to be reciprocated to us by the opposite sex. However, by continuing to having unprotected sex with people we don’t their statuses even in our positive states we run the risk of getting reinfected. If the person who infected you wasn’t honest with you about their status what makes you think the person you think will run after knowing your HIV status isn’t positive and just being dishonest. Someone can come to you knowing they are HIV positive and can turn around and say you infected them after disclosing so lets protect ourselves from having our statuses used against us to serve other people’s agendas.

You can be HIV positive and still reject a man who comes into your life because they are not a right fit for you. It seems majority of you have stopped looking at character and just want to be in a relationship because you’re scared you might end up alone for the rest of your life. Yes, that is a huge possibility but that doesn’t mean you should sacrifice yourself and end up in an abusive relationship, be it mentally, emotionally or physically just because you are HIV positive and don’t want to be alone.

Please guys lets take back our lives and stop wallowing in self pity of being HIV positive. I think this mindset is actually more dangerous than risking rejection from telling someone you are HIV positive. People need to learn to live with HIV and they won’t do that if we as an HIV positive community continue to hide our statuses. I am open with mine because I know we have a large number of individuals born in the 90s and 2000s who are HIV positive. Majority of them were born that way and we cannot let them enter the dating world in shame over something they had no control over. Share your HIV status on behalf of that innocent child who was born positive. Lets try and create a better and more understanding world for them to love and live in unashamedly and fearlessly.

Lets take the focus away from ourselves for a munite and maybe some good will come out of that small gesture.

Stop thinking that people left you because of your HIV status. They left because they were not meant to be in your life period. Love is beautiful. We all want it but lets strive for healthy and wholesome relationships regardless of our statuses. Its feels good to love and be loved. It feels good to have a suport system. It can even boost yourself confirdence if you’re withthe right person. But its not everyone who come into our lives whos meant to stay or is good for us and it seems our HIV diagnosis has made us forget this. Lets stop assuming our relationships with these potential partners would have been perfect had it not been for our HIV status. HIV positive or not you still have standards please stop compromising out of the fear of being single or alone forever. Whether you are HIV positive of not you still need to bring a quality man into your life.

Londiwe says:

I got on here to read on other people’s perspectives, but after reading these comments I just couldn’t stand how so many have chosen to live a lie and wallow in self pity. Guys we can do better. Let’s do better. There is nothing stronger than a woman in this world. Let’s use that strength for good. Yes, our statuses are sometimes difficult to navigate through especially in such a harsh and judgemental world but really our lives are not as helpless, defeated or hopeless as some of the comments made here. Those who want to disclose before meeting someone from online dating or right after you tested positive or whatever the case please do so and take control over your lives.

In life we have choices and you don’t have to choose to live a lie from fear of rejection. How then would we teach our kids or younger siblings the importance of bravery when we ourselves are not brave? I’m not saying I never have bad days. I have them but in those times I also think about the life and future I wish to have and it does not involve me dying from a heart attack or stroke because I had stressed myself about things I have no control over such as how someone responds to my telling the truth or being honest with them about my status.

I got onto this page because I wanted to get other people’s views on living with HIV, but lying about your status is just not an option. It’s not right. You are infected because someone else lied to you. Let’s break the cycle and create a better world for our kids or next generation.

M says:

At first I didnt think I needed to leave a comment because I actually do not know what it is like to be HIV positive. However I have been living in a fear for the past 4 years. I was 16 when I contracted my first sti of course my parents got me to do an HIV test as well to rule out the possibility but I think I might have done it too early to actually know and the test came back negative. Nobody at the clinic recommended a second test and it’s when I got older I realised that.. that was to be done 6 months after your first testing. I have since been in 3 relationships, two in which i practiced protected sex but I soon forgot about what took place when I was 16 and I figured i may have been negative so for my most recent relationship I didnt use any protection. Now this is where it got dark i contracted another sti from this guy.. dumb dumb me right? I went to the doctor and luckily it was something than can be cured as the first one. The doctor of course recommended I do an hiv test but I didnt do it out of fear. I then ended my relationship with that guy. But now! I met another guy who I really really like. He seems genuine and mature but when the topic of sex is mentioned he told me without hesitation he prefers to have sex without a condom. I’ve made it clear to him that I dont believe in that because obviously I haven’t had the best of luck. The guy went out of his way to do all sti and hiv testing just to prove to me that has nothing and quite Frankly all results came back ok. Now I am the one left to do an HIV test and I am terrified out off my mind I dont know what to expect. What if I am really positive for all these years or just a month or two now? I really like this guy he is the type of person you would want to marry and have kids with, very family oriented, not wild or anything. But what if I am positive? Would he still want to date me? I know I am young and I have my whole life ahead of me and I really need to know my status for my wellbeing and peace of mind but I am terrified and I really dont have much support. HIV has always been feared and faced with stigma where I live even my family members have stigmatized people with hiv which I know is awfully wrong. I always hesitated to do the test because I know what I’d have to face. I have anxiety just thinking about it. There is just so much going on right now in my life I just got my first real job which Is great, I have now gotten a new car things are really going good for me but this one little test. This one little test have me scared that everything will change and I know that sounds horrible because HIV should never under any circumstances be stigmatized and dealt with how society is dealing with it and even though we’re evolving there are still some countries with people who still looks down on you just for having hiv. I always wondered why is that so because honestly I would never treat someone differently because of their status but this is just world we’re living in. I am scared, I am terrified I dont know what to expect as I mentioned before. I cant live with rejection because I love having people around me. I know I must do this for myself to finally know the truth but there is really a high chance I might have it.. I tried to do as much research and I know that once you have contracted any sexual transmitted disease, you have a chance of having hiv as well.. I don’t know how I am going to take it if I am positive but I know its something I must do for myself and before i hook up with someone who doesn’t want have sex with a condom. I am really just here self pitying.

Londiwe says:

Hi M

Thank you for sharing your story on such a public platform and I’m sure somewhere out there there is someone going through the same thing you’re going through and sometimes knowing that you’re not alone in certain situations can be quite encouraging. So thank you for sharing and letting others know that it’s okay to wonder or want to know your status.

All the fear and anxiety you are feeling is quite normal and expected. Yes, you can live a normal and healthy life after an hiv diagnosis but that doesn’t mean getting that diagnosis is not life changing. Your life will change. Your fears will probably increase but the important thing will be for you to learn how to manage those emotions in a healthy way.There are many online support systems that are not necessarily for hiv positive individuals but that teach you how to deal with different types of negative thoughts and emotions.

I think it will be important to share what you plan to do with your mom or a close friend or family member. Your mom will be the best person since she was with you when you went through your first STI exposure.

I think you are already strong and of a sound mind and I believe you will be able to nevigative through any outcome but I’m praying for a negative result on your behalf. Not because you won’t be able to handle anything else or based on any other negatives but I just wish for a negative result for you just because nje why not.

Please put your mind at ease by getting tested.

Best wishes.

Thabile says:

Hey guys. I need help. I Recently met this guy whom I like very much. We have been on 2 dates and now He has invited me for a weekend getaway which I agreed to. My issue now is I was diagnosed with HIV 2019. I’m on medication and have reached undetectable viral load. I want to tell the guy before the weekend away that I am HIV positive, just in case things get hot and heavy. I don’t want to tell him after the fact as I feel that would be disingenuous. My question is, I don’t think I will be able to tell him about my hiv status in person, would it be rude of me to send him a text to let him know of my status? Would really appreciate your comments or opinions. Thank you in advance.

Anns says:

Hy guys. Thanks for sharing . Am know feeling better knowing am not the only one rejected bcoz my my hiv positive status

Black Rose says:

Hi guys I am currently going through similar situation. I was diagnosed with HIV in 2019 I was honest and forthcoming with my now ex boyfriend. He told me he loves me and will accept me with my status. Our relationship blossomed we had a child together the following year who is negative. Our relationship starting going downhill and everytime we got into a fight he would take his medication and throw them in my face and insult me telling me I infected him. In my defence I would back chat n tell him that I gave him a choice he decided to be with me and after we conceived I told him to go to the doctor and get Pep he would refuse nevertheless those words keeps playing in my mind to date. I have had few episodes of depression and managed to get out of the dark space but to be honest I am not completely okay with my status. I keep wishing that I was not positive, I keep getting this fear that I might die and leave my son behind. We broke up eventually and now it’s over a year since I have last saw him or he made communication with our son.
I am independent and financially stable and have moved on with my life. I am currently dating someone a real gentleman if I may say, but I am terrified to disclose my status to him. I really yearn for stability in my life and have fear that my status will ruin my chance at happiness. We have been using protection since the beginning of our relationship but I fear that time might come when he insists that we get tested. Living with this virus has been a rollercoaster for me, I have my good days where I forget about it completely and bad days where I sometimes think death will end my misery, I have still not confronted the person who infected me. We have dated again last year and ended things but he still hasn’t spoken about it or even apologised for infecting me. I tend to resent him and wish ill things for him and sometimes I convince myself that we might as well fix things again and avoid the possible rejection I might encounter when I disclose to negative person.
I have not spoken about my status before and I feel a huge relief by opening up on this platform. Kindly suggest group support that I can join, talking really helps and I think we need to give each other strength during difficult days…..keep well let’s stay positive and hope that the cure will find us still standing!

Cheezy says:

Hello fam I’ve been reading your comments and relating everything to what I am going through right now. I have been dating this lady for a year everything was going well until early this year I started getting some strange sms from various numbers warning me about my gf saying all sort of things, initially I ignored these sms cos I thought they were just coming from a jealous ex or something ok time went these sms started getting serious when the other day I got an sms that reads like “did she ever told you that she is taking ARVs? this hit me hard I asked her about this denied it, while I was still worried about this the following day I got a whatsapp from an unkown number which read like “if she is denying that she is taking ARVs please listen to this voicenote where she confessed it to her cousin saying “She is wondering how will I react the day I find out that she is taking ARVs” I listened to the voicenote it was her voice I even sent it to her she listened to it then started crying saying that she never thought this will come out like this.

I asked her if she really loved me why did she keep me in the dark about something so serious, she just kept crying. I hate the day I met her, I just fail to understand how can you not inform someone you love about something so critical. If she was honest from the beginning maybe I was not gonna reject her but commit and just ensure that we always play it safe but she never bothered to inform me or to give me freedom to know what I am putting myself into. Since then I dont have feelings for her everything changed and I dont see us together ever again I really loved her but this really left me devastated and the trust has been tarnished.

few days later we discovered that its her cousin who was sending me these messages, I hated her cousin but somehow I feel like I should never hate her because she disclosed something so critial that was hidden from me and I dont thing she was ever gonna disclose this to me any time so I was gonna stay in the dark forever. How can you say you love someone but yet you fail to protect that person?

It was not my intention to break up with her but I just couldnt carry on with that relationship cos I feel like she betrayed me and exposed me to this, if she didnt know her status I was not gonna be angry at her but the fact that she knew it and she was talking about it to her cousins but she never disclosed it to me that really hurt me. Whats your take guys?

Cheezy says:

@Bruce your story is exactly the same as my story bro this exactly what happened to me, she never told me about her status but I got some sms from unkown numbers warning me that my life is at risk, it came out that the stalker who was sending me sms is her cousin, so she was disclosing this to her cousins but she never bothered to protect me. Its so sad I dont wanna lie.

Ma says:

There are many stories out there, but most people won’t come here and narrate, but if you fear to get tested, just do it, the earliest, the better, Remember AIDS is more deadly than HIV
..
I’ll also say my story here soon

STAY FOCUSED..

Moses Khoza says:

Well i had a Girlfriend who was born with HIV and the first time she told me deep down inside i panicked but because I loved her we dated for four years and we broke up and moved on and 3 years later we got back together and we fall in love again for another 3 years but the last year i was also diagnosed hiv positive but because i love her i judged her i accepted that we both hiv positive we will comfort and support each other few months later she meet someone while she was with me and she started to be moody towards and i confronted her about it and she said she loves me and we broke up again no im single and also hiv positive with heart with pain and regrets,She’s happy where she is and I’m not

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