Rejected because of my HIV status


Date: November 24, 2010
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My name is Ayanda* and I live in Newcastle in northern KwaZulu-Natal. I am a 27-year-old single mother, and I can now say without hesitation that I am HIV positive. It still does sound a bit strange when I say it because I never in my life thought that I might be in this situation. I found out when my “boyfriend” and I decided to go for testing at our local clinic. I cannot explain the way I felt that day when I saw the results. It was in the afternoon when I did the test when they first result can out, I remember falling on the floor and grabbing the councillor. The poor lady asked how many lines I saw on the testing device; I looked closely and with shock and told her I saw one. I was lying because the other line was a bit faint and I did not want to believe it.

I just told myself that it was a mistake because the last two tests I did came back negative and there was no way that I could be positive. Besides that I was not sleeping around with many partners. I had not been in a relationship since I had broken up with my previous boyfriend, who I had been involved with for a year without any sexual contact. To convince my disbelief, we did another test and it also came back positive. I came out of the testing ward and my boyfriend was there, but I could not tell him because I knew exactly how he felt about the issue. I just kept a straight face and pretended everything was OK. I must be a great actress as he did not suspect anything.

I went home and told my Mom. Luckily she is a nurse and she works for a private company that rolls out treatment for HIV and AIDS. More than anything she hugged me and told me that she does not love me any less. I was relived because at that moment those were the words I needed to hear from her. I thought to myself that on the home front I was covered as my support system was solid. My first night as an HIV positive person was a bit of hell because I kept asking myself questions I could not answer. “How is it possible, why now, why me, how can this happen because I have been a good girl?” A month has gone by and I feel a bit numb even though I have seen a psychologist.

In these counselling sessions they tell you that you must take things slowly, and that everything is going to be ok. I respect that they are supposed to say that as it is part of their job, but I wish that there could be a part where they tell me how to deal with everyday life issues. I am talking about the feeling of knowing that your life will never be the same again. I had a dream of having a normal life just like everybody else. Right now I am dealing with the fact that my “boyfriend” who is now more like an ex-boyfriend, has rejected me. It pains me because when I found out about my status he was there, he said he would support but as time went by his actions have told a totally different story. He is the first person who has made me feel rejected, even though he made a promise to be there. We even went for counselling together with the hope of fixing our dying relationship.

The problem I have with the HIV and AIDS issue is that, as much as people say they have moved from the stereotyping mindset, they have not. In the matters of love relationships I ask myself what brings two people together, is it love or HIV? If it is love then both parties should be able to withstand the challenges that come with the relationship. What makes me very mad is that if he was the one that was HIV-positive I would have been expected to play a supportive role. Another thing that annoys me is that we as women are expected to endure whatever difficulties we face in relationships better than men, just because the Almighty God gave us the nurturing role in society. There are many men who are HIV positive and are supported by their partners, who are HIV negative. Right now with me and him it is a case of a relationship that has lost its flame just because of a virus. What also comes into mind is that maybe he could have accepted the situation better if I was diagnosed with cancer, high blood pressure or diabetes. What difference does it make because these are chronic diseases? When I went for my CD4 count test the doctor said I am fine at the moment, and I do not qualify for ARV’s. The only thing I have to do is take good care of me by leading a healthy lifestyle.

The saying that says “never say never” is true because you never know when something like this might happen to you. At the moment I am battling with the fact that if I get into a relationship with somebody I really like, I should disclose my status. This is something I am definitely not looking forward to, as I might be discriminated against. Especially in this society that still thinks that if you are HIV positive you must have been promiscuous, you are a walking corpse and you are dirty or totally different. If one is not careful things that people say out here, could make you go downhill, depending on how strong you are. Right now I am feeling fine, but I do get relapses now and again. What I also know is that I have to move forward with a positive attitude and be strong, not only for my daughter but for myself.

*Not her real name.

 

 


30 thoughts on “Rejected because of my HIV status”

Sarah says:

Hello I understand what you are going through since I went through a similar experience. My boyfriend wanted to take the relationship to the next level and start having kids and we decided to test before. The worst part is I asked what would happen if one of us is positive and he reassured me saying there are alternative ways nowadays. However, when the results came he was negative and said he needed some space after a while he asked if I was sure that I did not know that I was positive. I have never heard from him since so I eventually stopped texting him.

Roscoe says:

I know the feeling sister and everything you said is true, my girlfriend dumped me, she kept me hanging being ok with my status and suddenly becomes an issue of infecting her, I didn’t ask for this and I know I would’ve been expected to accept it if it was her

Nana says:

I know the feeling.. My boyfriend of 1 year 3 months suddenly suggested we become intimate 2 days I go.so I thought I should be honest and disclose my status. At first he hugged me and told me he stills loves me and nothing has changed. But his actions tell a different story. He’s been avoiding me. I hate to say this but I feel rejected by him and it’s the worst feeling ever.

Nana says:

I know the feeling.. My boyfriend of 1 year 3 months suddenly suggested we become intimate 2 days ago.so I thought I should be honest and disclose my status. At first he hugged me and told me he stills loves me and nothing has changed. But his actions tell a different story. He’s been avoiding me. I hate to say this but I feel rejected by him and it’s the worst feeling ever.

Khanyisile says:

I can safely say that I know how you are feeling. I tested late last year and my result came back pos. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 4 months. It happened that on our first night, I did not disclose (not because I didn’t want to and I know how unfair this was on my part but it happened and I felt really bad). I only disclosed to him the next day and he was able to get on PEP.

He blatantly told me that he wanted to deal with this in his own way which I totally understand considering how I disclosed to him. He tried to be nice at first but I guess reacted differently later on. I was ok with it though it hurts but I think it is only normal for some people to react (reject you/us) this way considering how stigmatized this virus is in society. To every young person living with HIV, my message is that, it is never easy to disclose and it is different with everyone. HIV needs a lot of understanding and awareness so that people are more accepting of it. I recently learnt that you can actually live beyond it and go after your dreams like everybody else. It is no longer a death sentence. Teach yourself more about it and it will be a lot easier. It was only after this incident with him that I started researching more about HIV that I got to learn that our health system is trying to normalize the lives of people living with the virus. Do not batter yourself too much about getting rejected. Chances are they were never for you in the first place and are not necessarily rejecting you but the virus. The right person for you will come along. There are so many mixed couples (neg+pos) nowadays who are in loving and happy relationships only because our health fraternity is doing the best it can to support people who are living with this virus.

Jenny says:

Excuse me for my English language, I am still learning. I met a really nice guy last year December, everything is going on perfect but I haven’t told him that I am HIV positive..I tried to introduce the topic but he was not so much interested, I asked him if he knows that nowadays people can be married, have children despite being HIV positive, he told me that the whole topic is a serious topic. So, talked to my doctor, she is a very nice lady and she is willing to talk to him on my behalf, she will explain to him everything that he needs to know…I know he will be shocked, maybe he will be disappointed too. Fingers crossed. Tomorrow he will meet my daughter for the first time, he has also expressed the idea of having a family with me.
By the way, I am a mother to HIV negative daughter, she is 9 years old, my ex-husband is HIV negative too

Take me as I am says:

Its a really sad and painful feeling. I recently faced rejection as well early July this year after being in a relationship for almost 4 years. At first we became friends back in 2014 during that period I had open up to him and told him about my HIV status. Later on we developed feelings for each other since then we made it work only until this year . when he broke up with me he told me he has fear of being with me because of my HIV status. You can imagine how that affected me. All these years this man helped me build my confidence then drops me down again to start all over. To feel worthless again. I still think it would have been better if he said he no longer loves me but he keeps telling me he loves and cares for me just this HIV thing he feels he can’t have a future with me. My only prayer now is to heal get read of the depression thoughts and hopefully get a man who is also HIV positive and build a home with him. I know I was meant to be someone’s wife

Grey says:

I know the feeling. I recently got rejected because of my status. When i told him he seemed understanding(now i realise it was just a front). It was out of pity.

I visited him a week after disclosure. He seemed okay with it. But when i touched him, he got no erection. Thats when i got the message. I didnt cry infornt of him. I told him i understood. I convinced myself that he needed time.

He then asked me to visit him again. We had fun, everything was okay this time. Until recently on the day of our last exam. We were supposed to go out. He didnt call me. I asked if we were still meeting up. He said he doubted it. He came to my flat and asked for all his belongings(his jacket and his ID) and told me “Im sorry, but I cant get your status off my mind, see you when i see u”
I have never felt so used and rejected in my life.
The issue is not him dumping me, its the reason he dumped me for

I was coping with my status but this has been a major satback.

lindah says:

My bf and I dated for two years and few months ago he seemed very srs and wanted to marry so he asked if we could go for test but I decided to disclose my situation before the test ever since then he told me I can’t date someone who is HIV so you want me to get infected that’s what he said to me I was hurt honestly I never thought he would say this to me up to now I’m still hurt he even blocked me on whatsupp so today I called him and he said who is this it pains me so much I love him a lot and I’ve been through a lot for the sake of our love and this status of mine is was born that way I didn’t want it

Alvin says:

Hey I’m a Father with aids of 3 teens and my girlfriend of vyf years also AIDS + have just Left me and said she have move on so I no what you are going through so I don’t no what or where to start picking up the pieces any help?

Same case happened to me…when the other partner is negative,s/he will stick around because of pity and not love….finally they will run away….positive should just marry positive
No problem one day a cure will be found

Nokuthula says:

Me too i met a guy when i disclose to him said he was ok then his action started changing towards me so i decided ill give him space amd spend time with myself

Martha says:

Even myself for the first I tested with my boyfriend I fell like is the end of the world , cause I find myself having a disease. I was crying and I wanted to kill myself.but now I’m strong and I take good care of myself .every scare has its own story. Today I’m proud of myself cause I can tell about my status

Nongcebo says:

I was born with HIV and i happened to disclose my status early in the relationship , he seemed to be fine with it. He supported me in every way such that i really thought we were going to get married someday. However after dating for 1 year 5 months , he started having complaints about his fears for getting infected by me and he said i will infect his kids with my HIV if i happen to bear him children so he cant continue with the relationship. I am deeply hurt and the words he said to me keep on repeating in my ears.

Tashy says:

I’m inlove with a guy who hiv negative and I iam hiv positive bt he is still inlove with his ex girlfriend and now we are married the problem is I want to have children what can I do because he is inlove with his baby mama

Dikeledi says:

Hi there I’ve been staying with my boyfriend for 4 years which is mu husband now, he took out lobola for me in 2018, after that in 2020 much I got sick very sick I was loosing weight, no appetite n he took me to the hospital where I was diagnosed with TB N HIV, now he dumped me at hospice for 4 month, I got discharged n he took me to my Aunts place, he is now rejecting me n he doesn’t want to go to test, n I heard rumors that, his first girlfriend died of HIV n aids, I want to open a case of deserting me while um sick n I need help cause he is now divorcing me I want to know my rights

Simpho says:

Hi ladies. Am not a good writer but please try and read, this is my story. I’ve been dating this guy 3 months now and I recently found out that I was HIV positive so he also went to check and he was negative. At first he seemed to be ok with me being infected for a month to be exact, I could see he was trying to be there for me but eventually he changed after a month bare in mind I did not see me for weeks he kept saying that he was having problems at home and I understood so I left for work for a few days now everything was fine he kept calling as usual but when I told him I was coming back he changed again and he ended up calling things off with me saying that it’s not because of my status it’s just that he doesn’t feel like he felt when he met me🥺 and that he loves me so much when am not around him but when am with him he just wants me to leave, and that really broke my heart 💔cause I really liked the guy and it had been a long time that I let anyone really love me and he did love me but after this am not so sure anymore and I did not know what to think I still don’t know what to make of this.

teraz says:

i finally told a guy on the first date! phone calls he really liked me..now no calls! oh well his loss! I told him early on because he was making plans. To meet his family! was the first time in 3 years i told any guy! I.m a good woman and if I have to be alone so be it.

naomi nxopo says:

I’m sitting in tears after reading all your comments because I met a guy in 2019 online and we been making plans to meet. I recently told him that I am HIV positive….although shocked he was understanding or so I thought. I told him that if he decided to leave I would not hold it against him as I myself struggled to come to terms with my diagnosis. He said he was not going anywhere and we agreed not to talk about it anymore and focus on loving each other. I felt good that he loved me regardless of my status. Everything was fine until today 16 January 2021.

The guy is unemployed and wanted to come to my city and stay with me while looking for a job and I agreed since I have my own house…car and I am permanently employed. He used to work but because of covid 19 the company he worked for closed down. January is a rough month for us all so I asked him if he had money to travel to my city and he said yes but that was before I disclosed. Thursday we spoke and I told him to buy the bus ticket already for his journey on Sunday. He seemed all calm and understanding and said he is low on cash but will make a plan. Yesterday he told me he couldn’t get the money but would definitely get it today Saturday. I told him that because we met online I didn’t feel comfortable paying for his bus ticket unlike if it was our second time to meet and he understood. Today I texted him wishing him luck in getting the bus fare and all was well although I was a bit suspicious because he read my text and only responded hours later which was very unusual.

Later on today I tried to check up on him only to find that he has blocked me from his social media accounts . I’m shocked because this is the guy who was ready to start a future with me and told me that his love for me was unconditional. Did he just try to scam me I I don’t know because he has never asked me for a dime before. We exchanged home addresses of each other and contact numbers of each other’s family members just incase we can’t reach each other but I don’t see the need to call because he deliberately blocked me. I really did fall for him eventhough I had reservations about his unemployment status because I am a single mom of four kids. PLEASE tell me what just happened there because I m lost.

Dialia says:

I have a boyfriend and we have dated for 6 years now im afraid to reveal my status to him .. im afraid now this comments are making me scared even more.. what if he leaves me and treat me as hell .. should i drop the relationship myself? Someone help me here .. is revealing this big secret a good idea? I will hate myself if get rejected my esteem will be low .. i need an advice .. i started of like a joke by asking him what he would do if he finds out that one of us is affected he said that he will accept the fact and know how to deal with the situation.. i asked if he would judge and leave he said he can’t do that since it’s not a big deal he said that mature people sit and talk then solve the situation.. but according to this comments i see the same thing happening bitter truth hurts id rather leave than stay and experience feelings

Gina says:

I’ve been dating the guy for 5 years now and I don’t know how to disclose my status to him,it’s eating me alive because I try imagine what he’d say or how he’d respond to it all, after reading all these comments I’m so scared I really don’t know what to do however I do feel like he deserves to know his been good to me throughout but I’m scared of rejection or how he’d look at me after finding out will I still be the woman he says he wants to marry it’s so stressful and reading all these comments just makes me more nervous I don’t what to do

Brittany says:

I was getting to know this guy for a year and a half and we became very close. I tested positive for hiv 4 years ago but I’m in treatment so I have a undetectable viral load. I didn’t disclose my status to him right away because I knew there was no risk in me transmitting the virus. When we first began having sex I would always put a condom on him but it would either break because he was very well endowed or he’d seem not as aroused with it on. It gave me the impression that he was used to having unprotected sex and we eventually stopped using condoms all together. He had already told me he was negative and that he just felt comfortable enough with me to not use protection. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong about his assumption of me but I’d never disclosed my status to any guy before and I was terrified of his reaction or rejection. The more we got to know eachother the harder it became to tell him about my hiv because I’d become attached to him. I finally told him about my positive status a month ago and he initially took it very well. He said he didn’t blame me for what I did and that he took responsibility for his part in having unprotected sex. I told him about my undetectable viral load and how it meant he wasn’t at risk but I still insisted that he get tested to know for sure. He did mention that if his results came back negative that he might be skeptical about having sex after but he didn’t wanna lose me as a friend. It took him weeks to go get tested, when he finally did his results came back negative. So of course now he wasn’t trying to have sex with me anymore. I tried apologizing for my dishonesty, making every kind of plea in hopes that he would change his mind. He said if I’d told him about my status early on he’d probably be more willing to try. I tried explaining to him just how hard it is to disclose your hiv status especially for the very first time but like most hiv negative people they don’t understand how shameful it can make you feel. Once I expressed my feelings for him and how I didn’t wanna lose him he said he wanted me in his life regardless but the relationship has basically dissolved in a matter of weeks. His feelings towards me clearly have changed. I’m completely heartbroken about it. I’d really grown to love this guy and I regret not being honest from the beginning. Maybe he would have still excepted me? But I also know that most people won’t even get to know you when they know your positive so with him I wanted to have a opportunity for him to see beyond my hiv. That ended up being my downfall tho and knowing what I know now I’d rather have told him in the beginning and took my rejection before I actually fell for him.

Anne says:

I’m so glad I came across this coz I’m going through the same thing and I’ve been contemplating what exactly to do. I guess I’m going to just have to get over him.

Adeyemi says:

Why they don’t want to get the cure for this hiv because this thing have Damaging lot of things

Tsholo says:

Well I met my boyfriend 3months back, we so inlove and we love spending time together most of the time but the problem is that I’m hiv positive and haven’t told him. Most hurting part is that we have never used protection I’m so sad and disappointed to myself even hate myself, not that I haven’t tried to play safe with him but at that time I wasn’t ready to disclose my status because I wasn’t sure if he’s the one because of rejection. I’m so scared to tell him very much scared and I would love to tell him at the very same time I suspect that I might be pregnant

Neo says:

Am met this guy for a year now, I told him about my status yesterday, he don’t want to believe me,he also don’t want to go for test,as believe he can’t be infected,am scared I don’t know what will happen nest

Anonymous says:

I also found out during one of my pregnancy visits that I am positive. I came back disclosed to my boyfriend of two years and he was disappointed and shocked too. He went for testing and came back negative. He started being distant,he was scared I’m going to infect him too. I’m now on ARVs and my cd4count is great my viral load is undetected my baby is negative. But the father is trying just for the sake of the baby. He says he loves me but he can’t keep using condoms with me. He wants a normal life. We are both over 40 but he still is very much active sexualy. He wants a normal life. I feel useless and see no reason to leave anymore since I am now rejected. I have 3kids to raise alone for the rest of my life coz I don’t see myself being in a relationship after this one.it is so sad to have to be alone coz no one wants you anymore

Mpilo says:

Hi

My name is Mpilo. I am living with HiV since 2009 Sept to be exact. I am very beautiful and sexy if I may say so myself. I am living a very healthy lifestyle. I met my partner in 2019 and disclosed my status 6 months in a relationship, I kept on postponing disclosing until the condom broke and I had no choice but to tell him. He was heart broken, mad at me and disappointed and dumped me. I told him that I accept and understood that it was not easy for him. Fast foward we got back together and we r staying together now with my step son. (The 3 of us) but we get intimate maybe once in 3 months. He doesnt touch me, he doesnt kiss me but we share the bed.

Everything else is well and good but we sleep as friends almost everyday. I stopped initiating bcs he wud say no an wud sleep heart broken. I am sharing tears writing this bcs I love this guy but deep down I know this is rejection in a very different way. I sometimes forget my status but when I think of what is happening in this house my heart pains as if I was diagnosed yesterday. So many times I asked if we see a professional he said a flat No he doesnt want us to involve a 3rd person he will deal with this his own way.

I am dying a slow painful death bcs our relationship looks so perfect but I am being rejected every day.

Lady s says:

As we speak have a two month old baby i just got rejected for my status yesterday im torn apart but guess i have tobe strong for my son Hiv is not a life sentence it’s a way of teaching us to leave a positive life and to everyone whose leaving with the virus im proud abt us guys especially since were taking care of our selfs so that we fight the spread of the virus even though it hurts being rejected for doing that.

Mpumi says:

I disclosed my status this morning to my boyfriend of 3months, we haven’t been intimate so I wanted to disclose before it got to that.i kind of regret telling things have changed already, I am so in live with this guy but I guess I have no choice but to get over him, but it hurts so much i am crying even now

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