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There is considerable pessimism about our collective ability as men and women to establish a more gender equitable society. The media often carries stories characterising men as defenders of patriarchal privileges. Yet many men are standing up, as husbands, fathers, brothers and uncles, to say no to violence and yes to gender equality.
Our lives different from our father’s
By Patrick Godana
Gone are the days when we used to say, “The place of a woman is in the kitchen.” Sometimes when I sweep the floor at my house, I think of my neighbours from way back. They were a young couple, living in Port Elizabeth, New Brighton area. It was in 1989, and I had just got out of prison. I had ended up on jail for furthering the aims of a banned movement. I still carry the scars on my body from being tortured.
He was not just a neighbour but also a brother. His wife was working night duties as a nursing sister. In the early mornings, my neighbour would call me through the fence, to look after their baby boy whilst he went to pick up his wife from work. I was in school, and they would give me some money to buy lunch. He was always expressing love to his wife – they called one another “Sweetheart.” People made fun of him for this and accused the woman of making her husband a lesser man.
I admired their relationship, but it confused me, too. I grew up believing that as a man, I should always show my macho tendencies and treat women as not equal to me. I never saw my father kissing my mother, but I constantly saw him beating her up. Even at church, they would seldom sit together in the same pew. So those conversations with my neighbour about respecting women showed me how to love and respect the woman I later married.
It was the beginning of the second phase of my struggle. For the past ten years, I’ve been working tirelessly on issues of gender equality. We have attained political freedom, but now we have to make sure that everyone can enjoy those freedoms.
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Reuben Mokae was a Soweto based gender activist with the Men as Partners Network. The father of three young boys, the son of a priest and active in the anti-apartheid struggle, Reuben’s first exposure to Men as Partners was through the support group he and his wife attended after testing HIV positive in 1998.
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